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Friday, January 27, 2012

BLUES

Now here is a subject I can sink my teeth into. 


I have, for many years suffered from the winter blues, also known as SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Some winters are much harder than others. The sun has a clear and decisive effect on my feelings of well-being. I usually begin the downward spiral in early or mid-October when the days begin to shorten and the fall rains make the sun a rare visitor. On the sunny days, temperature is not a factor though I love the heat, I manage relatively well to function and maintain a cheery attitude. When the sun stays away for more than one day, I will feel the weight. A physical feeling of weight on my entire body. It is hard to smile, hard to laugh and hard to be productive. I sometimes fight it and push myself to DO something, anything. I sometimes make myself do something which I would normally find fun or entertaining. I don't find it fun or entertaining. If I manage to DO something, chances are it will be a minimal effort and a moderate result. My heart won't be in it and it will be obvious. The up side of that, however, is that I didn't just sit and wallow. Wallowing is a dangerous thing for me. I can slide from a bad day into a bad week into a bad month with very little effort on my part. If I can keep myself moving, even if it's half-assed, I will rebound with the next sunshiny day. So moving and doing is vital and this I have learned over the last 15 to 20 years. I understand how it works for me, this SAD condition and I understand it is my choice to wallow or fight. I usually choose to fight. Mind over matter has some power and I draw on that even though technically my problem is my mind. My mind doesn't function well without sun. I truly am solar powered.


I must say that contrary to popular belief, I seldom feel sad. I feel next to nothing. I feel empty. It isn't sadness. I just want to sit or sleep or exist without being anything. I feel as if someone has unplugged my energy source and I am in need of rest. I am not in need of rest. I have not been sleep deprived nor have I exhausted myself physically or mentally so as to bring about that feeling of having been zapped of all abilities. I just wake up with it. I then have to determine with my first cup of coffee whether I will give in or take it on. I admit that once in a while, I give in. I take it on more often though because my history tells me it won't go away if the sun doesn't come out tomorrow, if I just sit and wait for it. I have to resist the urge and get off my butt and DO something. Laundry, clean, straighten something out, write or edit, go out for lunch, shop or anything that will occupy my mind or use up my time. The feeling or lack of it will pass. I just never know when. So I choose not to lay around and hope tomorrow will be better. Today will be better. Not happy-sunshiny-bright-kind of better, but better than sleeping or sitting in a mental fog all day.


Most people who don't have this condition think it is just kind of crazy and a little self-indulgent. I wish it were. I am a bit of a control freak in my normal life so having something take control over me to any degree at all, is unacceptable. Unacceptable and real. I hate that I can't just "get over it" because that is exactly what I want. I gain strength from looking forward to sun. Silly? Maybe, but it works. If we can get away to a sunny place for a couple of weeks, I can not only refuel from the trip, I can actually keep myself somewhat leveled out by looking forward to the day we are sitting in the sun. Not having such plans makes it a bit more of a challenge, but I still look forward to the sunny days.  


This has been an unusually sunny winter for Michigan and for that I am very grateful. I have only had a few days of doom and gloom to fight and that is an amazing statement from my mind for the end of January.  I think I'm gonna make it after all!  Of course I'm gonna make it, I am surrounded by so much love and unfaltering faith, I can't lose. I can stumble, but I can't fall.


The sun will come out tomorrow...or maybe the next day...but it will shine again.


Jo



13 comments:

  1. From what I know about you, Jo...the sun is always shining in your heart! I love your positive attitude!

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    1. Thank you Linda, but as you just read, it isn't true. I battle this stuff for months every year and I think I am getting a little better and then BAM, nope, not at all.
      I love my life and I am pretty UP on the days that involve some sun! Or all summer long. ♥

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  2. Jo, I can relate to the struggle. When you said it's not that you feel sad, but that you don't feel anything at all, it made sense to me. I have had my own share of bouts with the blues, not necessarily SAD, but the lack of sunshine can be a trigger. It's nice when the energy is high, and sleep is not the most alluring thought for the day. Many hugZ... and sunshiny days ahead!

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    1. That's my buddy! Thanks k, it's good to know someone has my back and is sending sunshine. Hope it gets here. LOL
      ♥ Today was a good day, btw.

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  3. I'm not sure if this is what I have or not-- SAD. I went to the doctor for similar "depression" kind of feelings in the past--I get this way each and every winter. I am one to go out in the snow and the cold when the sun is shining just to let it hit my face because I miss it so (Although born in Michigan, I spent most of my childhood growing up in Florida-so you can imagine how the lack of sun really gets to me). She did not call it SAD. She did say, after a bunch of blood work I was vitamin D deficient and I've since started on the drops. I don't know if it is because we are having a sunnier winter than normal here in Ohio or if the vitamin D is working--but I too have not had too many bad days this year. I rarely get sick now too, which is amazing--because normally I catch everything the kids bring home.

    All I can say is (((JO))) hugz to you and I hope you can get through the winter without too many more bad days!!

    Love to you ♥ Jenn

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    1. Thank you for sharing this Jenn. I know I am not alone and I guess that's why I wrote this one.
      I am not a pill taker of any sort, don't like doing anything nature didn't intend just to stay happy or light or whatever. Vitamin deficiencies always make me look to my diet for something to add. It's out there in our food and I'll find it. lol
      I don't believe other than taking an anti depressant which many people do, that there is a 'cure' for SAD. It isn't debilitating, it's just not me. I mean, I am not an unhappy person, I am not a moper. I usually just take on the day and either enjoy it or enjoy that what I didn't want to do is now done! When this takes over, that isn't who I am. It's not fun, but it's not painful and it's not going to hurt me in the long run. I just have to work a little harder to gain some modicum of success.
      I love the ((((hugs))) and need the ♥.
      ♥ you too (((((((Jenn)))))

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  4. Rob is the same. He needs sunshine to energize his attitude. Take care Jo and surround yourself with good thoughts.

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    1. Thank Kelly...that's the plan always! Today, btw the sun is shining on and off and the blizzard seems to have passed! Wind is howling, but with sunshine all things smile just a bit.

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  5. Jo I totally understand. Thank god I live in Texas...the sun is endless...we have had the almost opposite problem, NO rainy days...all sunshine and sometimes ( believe it or not it gets old ) I want some weather! But I would not do well where it's rainy all the time like the Pacific Northwest I have a dear friend who suffers with SAD and it's very hard for her. At least both of you have identified the problem that's the first step.And of course I will always be there with a hug or too cyberly of course but regardless very heart felt. xoxox to you "darlin" (with the expected Southern drawl)
    ~ileene

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    1. One day, One day...We will live in Arizona where the sunshine far outweighs the rain, deserts are like that! :) We also love South Padre Island, but it's probably not going to be our home. You are right, knowing is job 1 and then fighting every time it tries to drag you down. I let it drag me down, once in a while, but not often.

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  6. One of my cousins suffers from SAD. She revealed it to me on a day that I call a "grey day". I was probably near bubbling because I love grey days. (overcast - no sun) At the time I just didn't understand her moodiness. Just yesterday I read an article online about SAD. The author of the article said that SAD is not just a winter problem, but is a summer problem for some people. ZING!!! Immediately, I thought of the dread I feel as summer comes on. I hate the summers in Florida. Ninety degree temperatures are NOT my ideal climate. Although I can't say that I have the "Blues", heat does affect my temperament. I avoid as much outside activity as I possibly can. Walking my dogs in heat is a miserable experience for me. There have been hot days when I have entertained the thoughts of not ever getting another dog when my little girls pass on... But, I probably will anyway, because that is what I do... There will be some little old dog at the pound that no one wants that will tear at my heart... You know?

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  7. Hello Jo, I have been given the honour of receiving a Versatile Blogger nomination. Why am I telling you? Because I also get to pass it on to 15 of my blogging friends. I feel that you cover many topics with a heart as big as (thinks)yep, Texas is the biggest right?... well versatility is the key to this nomination. So when you are ready, stop by and pick up your blogging badge:-)

    http://bloggitwrite.blogspot.com/2012/02/versatile-blogger-nomination.html

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    1. Alaska is actually bigger, but I do love Texas! he he I am so honored that you would think of me k~. I believe I will go ponder this for a while. ♥

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