Just the other day I said to my son (who is the father of a 3 year old and a 6 year old) "As soon as the baby gets into school and you can start putting away some money that you have been spending on day care, you will need to get those college funds started." He said, "UGH". He is beginning to grasp the notion of time.
When I think of the day my first child was born I am immediately in that moment. I can so clearly remember the feelings. I expected childbirth to be indescribably painful and for me with this baby, it was not. I had 2 excruciating pains and she was in my arms. This perfectly beautiful, round, pink baby girl. I was so in love, I thought my heart would explode. I had never felt such overwhelming protectiveness and understanding for another human and I had never felt such undeserved heavenly love. I knew without question in that moment God loved me. He chose me to raise this little soul. My life had changed forever in that hospital room when I became a mommy. I feel like that was a couple of years ago, not nearly 43.
I think of the birth of my second child just 19 months later, a much different experience. False labor 1 week before he came; painful, false labor, I might add. The day he decided he actually was making an appearance he had a difficult time fitting through the designated exit. He was a large child and apparently he squared his shoulders and tried for hours to burst forth. The labor was intense, though short. A mere 4 hours of labor produced, without the doctor present, my 8 pound 14 ounce son. OUCH. The doctor entered the room as the receiving nurse stood holding my still connected son. I said, "I expect a large discount since I delivered without you and this wonderful nurse caught my baby!" I smiled. He returned with, "Okay, if you think you don't need stitches, I'll just be on my way." I paid full price and got the stitches. Baby boy had also bent my tail bone back as he made his way out. That was painful for weeks and even a couple of years it would hurt if I sat on something hard for very long. The feelings I had holding this baby were much different than my first time.
He was not pink and round and beautiful. I told the nurse I was quite sure this wasn't my baby because I had pretty babies. She was appalled at my statement. But seriously, he was long, skinny, pointy headed and not very pretty! By the end of week one, he was pretty darned cute. He filled out quickly because he ate non-stop! Bring in the bottles, this mommy was running on empty. What an appetite!
I never felt overwhelmed with 2 babies, as many people do, I loved being a mommy. I enjoyed the moments of cuddling, cleaning, feeding and laughing with my babies and soothing them when they hurt. My feelings about this baby were solid and strong and I knew what to do and I knew this little miracle would be a good fit in our family. The only boy from my generation on my side of our family. He was our little prince. Kind of still is! My mind cannot understand or comprehend that this was 41 years ago.
As I raised my kids from birth, I learned a lot about myself, as most parents can attest. It's always a game of setting the right example and also hoping they will turn out better than their parents. I always wanted them to be independent thinkers and motivated personalities. Boy, be careful of the wishes! I got both of those wishes. They are very independent thinkers, better parents than they had and never hesitate to say what's on their mind. All good things, I guess. In my mind, they are still my little ones and I do have a hard time believing how many years have passed. Time just went by. It just passed day by day and into this day which is my future yesterday, as Craig Ferguson sings in his signature song. So quickly gone, my babies childhood.
We are now at the age, my Roomy and I, where the funerals we are attending are not always our friends parents, some of them are our friends. They are not all passing from disease, some are passing of natural causes. Worn out parts that just quit working. How in the hell did this happen? It's time running on and on and stopping for no man. We are all dying and it's happening one day at a time.
One day at a time. That might explain why I have learned to live in my "NOW". I know that my days and the days of everyone in my life are numbered. I know that I have this moment and possibly not one more. I cannot imagine the tragedy of losing someone that I meant to tell how important they are to me, but never found the time. I find the time because that is all I have, this time. I try to use it wisely and I try to never miss an opportunity to say something uplifting or heartfelt to someone who matters to me. If someone has always made me smile, I want them to know that. I want them to hear that from me. They do and they have. It's important to use this time to it's fullest. You can bet that if I care about you, you already know that because I have most assuredly told you so. I might have shown you my appreciation or I might have just flat out said, "I love what you add to my life."
My Momma is 89 and I cherish every day with her. I talk with her or see her nearly everyday. I find myself thinking of her even more often than most other family members. It's because my oh so conscious mind knows how precious each minute I have with her has become. As the time winds down, I don't want to miss any of them.
I nearly lost my sister a few years back, I don't have to worry if she knows how much she means to me. I know she knows, because I have told her. She has told me. We have shown each other nothing but love for years now and my life would be sadly missing without her. She knows that.
You my friends, reading now or reading everything I write, you know how much I appreciate you and how much I value our friendship. I have shown you loyalty or love or both. I have done that by comments or joking with you or by actually saying the words. If you are wondering now if I care about you and our friendship, then I have more to do and obviously more to say! I always have more to say.
Time is our friend and our enemy. In its passing, we receive healing from all pain, some more quickly than others. In its passing we also find memories are all we have of so many wonderful moments and so many wonderful furbabies and so many wonderful people. Memories are our treasure box immune to all time passing. Because we can remember, we have a past. Because time moves constantly forward, we have a future. Because time is everything, we have now.
I am so grateful you are here in my now and I am honored to share your now.