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Sunday, January 22, 2012

TIME

Just the other day I said to my son (who is the father of a 3 year old and a 6 year old) "As soon as the baby gets into school and you can start putting away some money that you have been spending on day care, you will need to get those college funds started."  He said, "UGH". He is beginning to grasp the notion of time.

When I think of the day my first child was born I am immediately in that moment. I can so clearly remember the feelings.  I expected childbirth to be indescribably painful and for me with this baby, it was not. I had 2 excruciating pains and she was in my arms. This perfectly beautiful, round, pink baby girl. I was so in love, I thought my heart would explode. I had never felt such overwhelming protectiveness and understanding for another human and I had never felt such undeserved heavenly love. I knew without question in that moment God loved me. He chose me to raise this little soul. My life had changed forever in that hospital room when I became a mommy. I feel like that was a couple of years ago, not nearly 43.

I think of the birth of my second child just 19 months later, a much different experience. False labor 1 week before he came; painful, false labor, I might add. The day he decided he actually was making an appearance he had a difficult time fitting through the designated exit. He was a large child and apparently he squared his shoulders and tried for hours to burst forth. The labor was intense, though short. A mere 4 hours of labor produced, without the doctor present, my 8 pound 14 ounce son. OUCH. The doctor entered the room as the receiving nurse stood holding my still connected son. I said, "I expect a large discount since I delivered without you and this wonderful nurse caught my baby!"  I smiled. He returned with, "Okay, if you think you don't need stitches, I'll just be on my way."  I paid full price and got the stitches.  Baby boy had also bent my tail bone back as he made his way out. That was painful for weeks and even a couple of years it would hurt if I sat on something hard for very long. The feelings I had holding this baby were much different than my first time.

He was not pink and round and beautiful.  I told the nurse I was quite sure this wasn't my baby because I had pretty babies. She was appalled at my statement. But seriously, he was long, skinny, pointy headed and not very pretty!  By the end of week one, he was pretty darned cute. He filled out quickly because he ate non-stop!  Bring in the bottles, this mommy was running on empty. What an appetite!

I never felt overwhelmed with 2 babies, as many people do, I loved being a mommy. I enjoyed the moments of cuddling, cleaning, feeding and laughing with my babies and soothing them when they hurt. My feelings about this baby were solid and strong and I knew what to do and I knew this little miracle would be a good fit in our family.  The only boy from my generation on my side of our family. He was our little prince.  Kind of still is!  My mind cannot understand or comprehend that this was 41 years ago.

As I raised my kids from birth, I learned a lot about myself, as most parents can attest. It's always a game of setting the right example and also hoping they will turn out better than their parents. I always wanted them to be independent thinkers and motivated personalities. Boy, be careful of the wishes! I got both of those wishes. They are very independent thinkers, better parents than they had and never hesitate to say what's on their mind. All good things, I guess.  In my mind, they are still my little ones and I do have a hard time believing how many years have passed. Time just went by. It just passed day by day and into this day which is my future yesterday, as Craig Ferguson sings in his signature song. So quickly gone, my babies childhood.

We are now at the age, my Roomy and I, where the funerals we are attending are not always our friends parents, some of them are our friends. They are not all passing from disease, some are passing of natural causes. Worn out parts that just quit working. How in the hell did this happen? It's time running on and on and stopping for no man. We are all dying and it's happening one day at a time.

One day at a time. That might explain why I have learned to live in my "NOW". I know that my days and the days of everyone in my life are numbered. I know that I have this moment and possibly not one more. I cannot imagine the tragedy of losing someone that I meant to tell how important they are to me, but never found the time. I find the time because that is all I have, this time. I try to use it wisely and I try to never miss an opportunity to say something uplifting or heartfelt to someone who matters to me. If someone has always made me smile, I want them to know that. I want them to hear that from me. They do and they have. It's important to use this time to it's fullest.  You can bet that if I care about you, you already know that because I have most assuredly told you so. I might have shown you my appreciation or I might have just flat out said, "I love what you add to my life."

My Momma is 89 and I cherish every day with her. I talk with her or see her nearly everyday. I find myself thinking of her even more often than most other family members. It's because my oh so conscious mind knows how precious each minute I have with her has become. As the time winds down, I don't want to miss any of them.

I nearly lost my sister a few years back, I don't have to worry if she knows how much she means to me. I know she knows, because I have told her. She has told me. We have shown each other nothing but love for years now and my life would be sadly missing without her. She knows that.

You my friends, reading now or reading everything I write, you know how much I appreciate you and how much I value our friendship. I have shown you loyalty or love or both. I have done that by comments or joking with you or by actually saying the words. If you are wondering now if I care about you and our friendship, then I have more to do and obviously more to say!  I always have more to say.

Time is our friend and our enemy. In its passing, we receive healing from all pain, some more quickly than others. In its passing we also find memories are all we have of so many wonderful moments and so many wonderful furbabies and so many wonderful people. Memories are our treasure box immune to all time passing. Because we can remember, we have a past. Because time moves constantly forward, we have a future. Because time is everything, we have now.

I am so grateful you are here in my now and I am honored to share your now.

Jo


32 comments:

  1. I read this through tears....once they subside, I will read it again. Thank you for reminding us all that time is short. Loved it and you.


    Chele :)

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    1. It was my pleasure. We all tend to get too busy living to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. We tend to put those things off. I just want everyone to remember we only have NOW. I love you Chele and I know you love openly and completely those in your life. It's all good. ♥

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  2. Beautiful tie in with our topic Jo. And just for the record, you're a pretty special lady in my world:-)

    P.S. and about that wishing stuff... (mutters quietly... laughs softly and saunters off).

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    1. Thank you K...I am so happy we have become friends because of this blogging business! You are an added pleasure in my reading and writing world. And those wishes can really get ya, I'm tellin' ya.

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  3. You are excellent at letting those you love and adore, know exactly how big that love is. It's definitely a good way to be, and leaves room for more wonderful memories and less room for regret. No matter how much time we have, it's never enough when it comes to love. We just have to do the best with what we have.

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    1. Thank you so much. I always tell people that if I die tomorrow it would be the right time. I have already had more than I ever expected to have and done way more than I expected to do so if it's over, it's been a wonderful ride.
      I want my epitaph to be "A Life Well Lived". I aim to make that true.

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  4. You really do have a wonderful, open heart. ♥

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    1. Thank you Beth, that means a lot to me. You are such a good and loving human and have totally enhanced my life becoming my friend.
      That Gary Smith guy is responsible! He posted your writing and I was hooked. I love that man.
      My heart is an open book because I see no reason to keep love inside.

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  5. Beautifully done as usual with a wide open heart -

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    1. ♥ Thank you Maria. It really feels good to know that my fellow bloggers see inside my facade. Maybe there is something to not judging people so much by what we see as by what we 'hear'. Blog reading is 'hearing'.

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  6. Oh Jo!! I really LOVED this. I hope you print it and share it with your kids (or just invite them to read it). They probably already know how much you love them--and your Mama too, but I know they would somehow appreciate that love you have for them even more. So sweet!! And I am honored to have you as a friend in my NOW as well, you are a blessing!!
    Cheers, Jenn!

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    1. Thank you so much Jenn. I am really feeling the need to just hold my little girl right now. She may be nearly 42, but she is in the hospital 9 hours from me and I am struggling. I know God has this and I know both she and I are in His arms, but I want her in my arms, too. I will print this out for both of the kids. They enjoy reading my stuff, most of the time.
      I am so blessed to have you and so many other new friends from joining these groups, I don't even have the words to share that joy.
      ♥ you too and thank you for always being there for me.

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  7. Speechless, and loved your ending!

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    1. Awww, I left Claudia speechless! WOW. Thanks so much. From one of my many blessings, that is such a compliment. ♥

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  8. It's interesting what happens over time--and as for giving birth, I went through such battle with my first two that I was kinda out of it. After laboring early morning to late into the night with the first, we both ran fevers, and it was cool to have a baby, but I barely had the energy to hold him. My middle was a cone head with cuts all over her face... she went through battle. Baby three was born so fast, I finally had energy to enjoy her.

    I read your comment on Beth's blog. You can comment on every post but mine. It doesn't matter because I rarely, if ever, get back to check on what people say in response to my comments.

    Joyce
    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2012/01/gbe2-no-time-for-time.html

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  9. geez, thanks a lot Jo, just put my 'face' on for the day and now i have to start over :)

    such a sweet post - it really is such a wonder how time passes so quickly. ~sniffle~ i am honored to be on your radar too. blessings

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  10. oh, and i had one of those 'conehead' babies too - was very thankful his head eventually reshaped :)

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    1. Sorry about messin' up your face! But happy that I touched your heart. Conehead babies grow up perfectly!

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  11. You are such a wonderful lady Jo and I am proud to know you. It sure is an eye opener when the obituaries start filling up with friends and family. Great blog.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thank you Kathy, you know how I feel about you and I am so honored to have been 'taken in' by this group of writers and readers. What a blessing you have all been to this crazy, off the wall woman.
      It is indeed an eye opener and let me add, having my almost 43 years old daughter suffer a TIA was another eye opener. How precious everyone in my life is and in fact, how precious life is. Time is limited for all of us.
      ♥ u

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  12. Beautiful post - thanks so much for sharing it, Jo.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and posting. I'm glad you liked it. ♥

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  13. Jo, you are such a beautiful person who spreads joy to every life you touch. I am so blessed to have found you in this blogousphere. Your love is evident in every word you write. Thank you for accepting me in your circle.

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    1. You are so very welcome in this big ole circle. You have added so much to my life. Thank you so much for always having kind words for me and my work. This particular blog was just poured out of me. My daughter's TIA had not be revealed when I wrote this. As I read it the day her fiance called me with the news, I wondered why I was so moved to write this memory of love that particular day. The next day to be so fearful that she could be lost to me. I know that God is always with me, in me and I have to believe that He guided my thoughts. Made me recall 3 of my blessings, least I need to hold onto that memory the next few days.
      Now she is mending and so far, all is well, I feel like I have never been nearer to her than at this time. Yet the 9 hours still separates us. Yep, I am blessed and protected. She is also.
      ♥ u and all you have become to me.

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  14. Beautifully done, Jo. The whole baby thing struck me the other day. My grandson was overand I was chatting with his mum, my eldest girl. We got on to the subject of age and how 60 is no longer old. I am of a different generation. I still see 60 as an old lady, grey, sitting in her chair and knitting, like my nana was. My daughter sees her dad, freshly retired, busy in the garden, looking to do consultancy work, throwing his grandson around and generally behaving like a 40 year old. Times change, time changes us and it often takes a while for our perceptions to catch up with those changes.

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  15. Ya know what? I don't really want my perceptions to change. I like feeling like a mommy while I'm being the grammy. I enjoy knowing that I am 62 and could use that as an excuse and some days, I do. It's a good life and I have so many things to thank God for every single day and I don't have time to vegetate! Don't want to either.

    Thank you for your support and friendship always. ♥

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  16. Oh, Jo, so beautifully written. The time for me went too quickly, between the newborn and how can I possibly be the mother of a Little Leaguer - teenager - thirtysomething-er? But it went slowly, too, and for the most part savored, through there were certainly painful bits. Love living in the moment, enjoying reflections of the past, looking forward to great adventures to come.

    So sorry you lost your sister. We expect to lose our parents, not our sibs, until we are all very, very old.

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    1. I didn't loose my sister. She is alive and well and living just a few miles away. Time didn't ever feel like it was flying by when I was raising my kids, in fact, I wondered sometimes if they were ever going to be independent. However, in hindsight, WOW. Just here and then a memory. *sigh*

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  17. 89 years old......OH MY YES..love on her, spend precious time with her, still can't believe my dad is gone. He was the spark in our family, just never thought he would be gone ever..

    Jo you are so special....we all adore you!! MUAH

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    1. My dad passed at 56 so we have been so fortunate to have Momma with us and still enjoy her most every day. She lives just a couple miles down the road and does very well on her own, just doesn't drive and we don't have taxi's...so that's my job! :)
      Thank you Brenda you bring so much light into my life.

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  18. I could have read on forever...as I thimk I can with all your writing. But this is such a tale of life. I'm brought in, sat at its table and given a cup of coffee as its story unfolds. That's how your words read to me. Marvelous!

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    1. I'll do anything to get you to come hang out with me! You just gave me such a gift with those words. ♥ u and thank you.

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