The Home Page

Sunday, April 14, 2013

The Big "O"

Over the years I've talked with many women about sex at different stages of their lives. I'd not hesitate to say that since I first had sex, it has been discussed with those trustworthy enough to discuss such things. In my sixth decade I do not discuss it as much, but seem to read a great deal about it written by those women who either cannot imagine ever giving it up voluntarily, or those who feel they must engage to keep their man in their lives and even from those who are over it, done with it, don't do it, won't do it and feel zero guilt from such a decision.

I've learned that the most important part of intimate relations for women, overall, is not intercourse. It's hugging, hand holding, stroking non-sensual areas and kissing. It seems for men, intercourse is the only reason to do any of those things. The contrast is clear if you ask and if you listen and I have done that because I find it fascinating that something so natural and so basically easy to do can become a cement wall in some relationships. Neither side really wanting to talk about any differences in preference and neither side wanting to compromise in any way. Makes me wonder why that is.

More than one woman engaged in a long term monogamous relationship has said something like, "He doesn't make love to me, anymore, he mounts and dismounts." Some have said, "It isn't romance anymore, though I do love him and he loves me, it's ritual sex. I can tell you exactly where and how he will touch me every single time. It's boring and less than fulfilling for me." I've heard, "It's always great. He works on me all day when he wants to have sex and then he lingers exactly where he needs to linger because he knows if I like it, it'll happen more often. Unfortunately, I really don't like it much anymore, even though he gives it 100% every time. It isn't him, it's just that I'm over it. Over the whole sex thing." And the few women who have told me, "I love making love to him. I initiate it as often as he does and several times a week is fine with me!"

So I wonder, as I do about many things, what is the difference. I am talking about women mostly over 50 and many over 60 now who don't care one way or the other in most cases, if they ever have sex or not and it isn't a reflection on their relationship as most of them are really in love with their spouse. I have concluded that it has much more to do with the physical changes that women go through after the childbearing years are past. Like the baby factory really is closed and is no longer needed or even wanted. It's useable, but not the way it once was. It's desirable, apparently, but often unresponsive as it once was. And all the research and all the aids are based on a man getting and maintaining an erection. Why is that? It would seem to be their wives would be happy to hug, kiss, stroke and hold hands with no expectation of more, yet we have a little blue pill and nothing to really boost a woman's desire or ability to enjoy.

Now the big "O" has always fascinated me. Research (do your own, I'm not spending time looking this stuff up again) has shown that women can reach it alone just as easily or more so without a male to stimulate or facilitate. Many women have never experienced one with a man. Sorry for those women. Sorry for any woman who never experienced this, but it is not as uncommon as we might wish. Not having a partner means the only focus is on your own needs, so it does makes sense that if you are the one feeling it and doing it, maybe you do have a better idea of how to get it!  Just sayin'...

In the overall scheme of life, I would say having the big "O" frequently would never be in my top ten, but never having had one would be!

The best part of an active sexual relationship in the golden, senior or midlife years seems to be the closeness couples who share intimacy are able to maintain in the rest of their relationship. Being that vulnerable with only one person in the world makes that person privy to things even your best same sex friend isn't. That carries on into many other aspects of a relationship.

And then there is my famous line a few years back when my adorable husband said, "I work full time, I do half or more of the laundry, I do all the outside work and I help with housework. What is it that you do?"
My response, "I am the reason you don't have sex alone."
There was no more discussion of my duties.

Jo

27 comments:

  1. The last paragraph.

    Yeah, there is that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So true. Sex alone has never been one of my favorites. Doil

    ReplyDelete
  3. Replies
    1. Thanks Claudia...apparently it struck a cord! :-)

      Delete
  4. I'm at an interesting time in my life right now - between partners, and yes, sex and the big O isn't as important as it used to be (and I never imagined saying that!), but I would be very sad at the thought of no more, never, ever.

    I've had a lot of great sex, some bad sex, and some "meh, could've had a V-8" sex. My experience is, while it's true you can have hot exciting sex with a stranger, once there's a relationship, and if the relationships isn't in a great place, the sex won't be as good, regardless of whether he checks off all the boxes or not. For most women, I don't believe we can leave the other stuff outside the bedroom door and have mind-blowing sex with someone who's been hurtful or neglectful outside of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe you are correct to a point. That point being that in time, the actual physical pleasure for many women simply isn't there, that does not necessarily mean that they don't enjoy the emotional closeness that a good sexual relationship brings them. It could, however, mean that the big O isn't even part of their needs or even wants.

      Aging changes a lot of things. Not all of hem are bad.

      Great comment about the emotional tie we have with sex that most men don't share. :-)

      Delete
  5. Oh Jo i so giggled with that last line :)

    The big O and the little O..i mean i knew the little O(orgasm with no need for man) and totally GET the BIG O. There is a difference. AMAZING difference. And as a child (in my 20's) thought the BIG O is what got the conception; heaven uniting with earth producing child thang :)

    Yes, experienced the BIG O which left me motionless for hours. An experience where fulfillment was wordlessness..mind blowing. Sex or union wouldn't be needed for months!! And this is being spoken from "a min of three times a week please" woman!!!!!!! (before Viagra was invented) Yup it did happen and now in my 50's and reflecting...

    My ex fulfilled me in many ways, my husband today does the same and in a much different way

    (you really got me thinking so bare with me) :)

    I never thought my husband today should have divorced his wife. Honestly believe if they got counseling their marriage could have been an amazing testimony. (believe this for my own first marriage too, hindsight does this)

    Nevertheless men are weak...yes men. If they don't have sex they go insane PERIOD. I see that now. :)PrOcreation....its so much more then IMVU, test tube conceptions OR the big O... so what were we talking about? :) RELATIONSHIP..i think the "O" is the bait for marriage...later we realize wOw...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I knew you would have something to say! What a wonderful comment. I agree that sex can drive a marriage apart and many divorces could be prevented, but I also believe we ultimately end up where we were meant to be.
      Sex in the Sixties is not necessarily mind blowing, but it's a wonderful closeness no one else shares. It's a major component in whatever form your own marriage takes it and it does seem to be the cement or the TNT for many.

      Thanks for sharing. <3

      Delete
  6. You are the best! So daring to tackle this topic and you handled it brilliantly and with tact. Nice job. Glad you're back!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Leigh. It was a fun topic to try to stay reasonably R rated while discussing.
      I do believe its an issue for a lot of long time married folks and all it really requires is communication and love.

      Delete
  7. Great post and I loved all the comments as well. Last paragraph was classic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. It was pretty funny at the time!

      Delete
  8. Good and insightful post Jo - loved the ending! Very classic. I've not had many girlfriends over the years, hence not as many chats. But the few I've had have pretty much run the same gamut which struck me as interesting. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey! You're not in my spam folder! Happy day!

      It is interesting that over all these years most of my conversations find the ladies fall into one of these categories and all of them feel it isn't really about his ability nor his desire to please. It seems to be mostly about the lady and her own body or her own mind. Makes me feel bad for the guy who is trying so hard and doomed to fail.

      Delete
  9. Ohhhhh. So that's what Beth meant when she assigned the "Big O." I guess I missed that one.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. *Blush* I don't like discussing sex. *Blush*

    But that last line was a winner!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. *Blush* I don't like discussing sex. *Blush*

    But that last line was a winner!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Haven't read your posts in a while and I'm so glad I came by to read this one, Jo. You've raised some great points here. I think when people have a great relationship emotionally, having sex is the icing on the cake. When they have a bad emotional relationship, then sex or the lack of it becomes a huge issue.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree. I also believe as I age the fact that I am in love with my husband is why I feel the desire to share a sexual relationship. Without the love, I'm not sure if I would really care, but hopefully, I will not have to test that theory.
      Thanks for stopping by Corinne, I haven't been writing very often.

      Delete
  13. Jo, Thank you for talking openly about something that many people think about, but most do not discuss. I loved sex, but quit a long time ago. As a single woman with too much information about men considered to be monogamous with their wives (but are not) it became an issue of trust long before it became habit not to participate. My appetite was healthy before then, and mutually appreciated. What is important to me now, is intimacy; when I miss something about that type of union, it is the intimacy that I miss most.

    Great write.
    k~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you k~, I find it less comfortable to write about sex or sexual relations, but I felt this was kind of easy because my friends and I do talk about it. Being in our 60's doesn't mean we don't have sex, it means we have different reasons for having it. The relationship and the hand holding and the kisses and the closeness of my husband to my soul is much more valuable to me than whether or not we have sex. For him, it's about equal, so I have to understand that and be available and more importantly willing.
      It's not the same for all my friends. Some of them just don't have it at all even though their husbands would like to. I think that is kind of sad and I wonder how a man lives that way. But they do and for many years.

      Delete

I really want to know that YOU were here...please drop me a note or just say Hi ~ I do love a comment and it keeps me motivated!

You write and I will answer. Eventually. Show the love!