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Sunday, April 14, 2013

The Big "O"

Over the years I've talked with many women about sex at different stages of their lives. I'd not hesitate to say that since I first had sex, it has been discussed with those trustworthy enough to discuss such things. In my sixth decade I do not discuss it as much, but seem to read a great deal about it written by those women who either cannot imagine ever giving it up voluntarily, or those who feel they must engage to keep their man in their lives and even from those who are over it, done with it, don't do it, won't do it and feel zero guilt from such a decision.

I've learned that the most important part of intimate relations for women, overall, is not intercourse. It's hugging, hand holding, stroking non-sensual areas and kissing. It seems for men, intercourse is the only reason to do any of those things. The contrast is clear if you ask and if you listen and I have done that because I find it fascinating that something so natural and so basically easy to do can become a cement wall in some relationships. Neither side really wanting to talk about any differences in preference and neither side wanting to compromise in any way. Makes me wonder why that is.

More than one woman engaged in a long term monogamous relationship has said something like, "He doesn't make love to me, anymore, he mounts and dismounts." Some have said, "It isn't romance anymore, though I do love him and he loves me, it's ritual sex. I can tell you exactly where and how he will touch me every single time. It's boring and less than fulfilling for me." I've heard, "It's always great. He works on me all day when he wants to have sex and then he lingers exactly where he needs to linger because he knows if I like it, it'll happen more often. Unfortunately, I really don't like it much anymore, even though he gives it 100% every time. It isn't him, it's just that I'm over it. Over the whole sex thing." And the few women who have told me, "I love making love to him. I initiate it as often as he does and several times a week is fine with me!"

So I wonder, as I do about many things, what is the difference. I am talking about women mostly over 50 and many over 60 now who don't care one way or the other in most cases, if they ever have sex or not and it isn't a reflection on their relationship as most of them are really in love with their spouse. I have concluded that it has much more to do with the physical changes that women go through after the childbearing years are past. Like the baby factory really is closed and is no longer needed or even wanted. It's useable, but not the way it once was. It's desirable, apparently, but often unresponsive as it once was. And all the research and all the aids are based on a man getting and maintaining an erection. Why is that? It would seem to be their wives would be happy to hug, kiss, stroke and hold hands with no expectation of more, yet we have a little blue pill and nothing to really boost a woman's desire or ability to enjoy.

Now the big "O" has always fascinated me. Research (do your own, I'm not spending time looking this stuff up again) has shown that women can reach it alone just as easily or more so without a male to stimulate or facilitate. Many women have never experienced one with a man. Sorry for those women. Sorry for any woman who never experienced this, but it is not as uncommon as we might wish. Not having a partner means the only focus is on your own needs, so it does makes sense that if you are the one feeling it and doing it, maybe you do have a better idea of how to get it!  Just sayin'...

In the overall scheme of life, I would say having the big "O" frequently would never be in my top ten, but never having had one would be!

The best part of an active sexual relationship in the golden, senior or midlife years seems to be the closeness couples who share intimacy are able to maintain in the rest of their relationship. Being that vulnerable with only one person in the world makes that person privy to things even your best same sex friend isn't. That carries on into many other aspects of a relationship.

And then there is my famous line a few years back when my adorable husband said, "I work full time, I do half or more of the laundry, I do all the outside work and I help with housework. What is it that you do?"
My response, "I am the reason you don't have sex alone."
There was no more discussion of my duties.