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Friday, April 6, 2012


Have I lost my mind?  #180
Little question there, it's on its way out, I fear. My memory of long ago is so haphazard so as not to be very helpful.  I can sometimes be prompted into remembering and sometimes, no clue. I seem to remember strange things. Maybe things that hurt me or confused me or made me giggle. I seem to not remember a lot of things that made me happy. I seem not to remember a lot of things my sister and brother remember, though I might once they begin to tell the story. Or perhaps, I remember them reminding me another time, not sure. It's annoying though and I try not to dwell on this short coming because it makes me think ...
Never mind, I don't want to even write it out.

The short answer: I haven't lost it exactly, but it does wander off quite often.

No Particular Place To Go  #181

I love a good road trip with no particular place to go. I can pack up and drive for hours and find a place to sleep when I get tired and then start the next day. Something along the way may or may not catch my eye. If it does, I'm stopping and maybe staying. If I see a sign heading in another direction, I'll go there now. It's fun and I always see new things.

I like to travel a new and different route even when I have a destination in mind, if time is not an issue. You never know what you might see and what might beckon you to pull over and have a look. I enjoy that a lot.
I do that when I am coming home from Nashville; on the way, I am too anxious to see my family to mess around with unnecessary gawking stops, but coming home, I have time!  Love doing that.

In my life, I have a path, always. I know where I am going and how I'm getting there. I like my life to be that way, but when traveling, I have no rules. Well, just the ones that keep me relatively safe.

Patience #182

I have this now. I have NOT always had this. I was once quite short tempered. I believe that came from stress. My period of no patience was when I was raising my kids alone. When my life had disintegrated right before my eyes. When the man I imagined being with til death do us, part was gone. When I made the decision that to be on my own was better. When I then doubted, for a short time, if I would ever be sure of that decision. I had taken on such responsibility and had no good plan as to how to support all of us and had no time to prepare because I just packed us up and left. I had a minimum wage job and secured a 40 hour schedule which paid my rent with three full checks. One check for everything else. Oh boy. I had no patience then because I made another decision. I started working a second shift on top of my first shift. At the end of the week I was logging 75 to 80 hours on two separate time cards, no overtime allowed on this job, and then could barely make the bills because now I had to pay a sitter for all those hours. It was very difficult and I was very stressed and very thin and was not eating. I mean not eating. I drank coffee, it was free at my job. I smoked a lot, they were cheaper then. I nibbled at the kids leftovers now and then, but the food I bought had to feed them. I was fine.

Until I wasn't. One day I bit into a cheeseburger my co-worker had made "by mistake" (she knew I wasn't eating and I was seriously stick thin) and I found I could NOT swallow it. I was literally choking on it. I drank some coffee and got one bite down with great effort. I wrapped it up to take home. She thought I had eaten it.

I went to the doctor thinking I had something wrong with my throat or my esophagus. The problem was that I had trained my body not to eat. It was a long road back to normal from there. I had to start with broth. Add some crackers. Add some noodles.  Add shredded veggies. Move to oatmeal. On to peanut butter. Then beans. Finally able to eat a burger, no bun. It took almost a year before I could eat anything like meat or even bologna. I now call it my financial anorexia.

I never decided not to eat.  I just fed my kids first.

I had no patience until I had a semi-normal life again. One job and a decent paycheck and my patience returned.I managed to buy a house and even save a small bit. My kids finally learned that tuna sandwiches and chips was NOT meat and potatoes. I gained patience with security and self-confidence.

I think I am quite patient now. I don't think very many things in life are worth getting all freaky over. I am pretty good at holding my temper~if not my tongue.

There we go...all caught up and back to reading.



  1. Economically induced anorexia! There is a book in this woman!!!

    1. Ya know, I have thought about it. It was a very difficult time and there might be a lesson or two in those years for someone about to jump the road to singledom. It ain't for sissies!


  2. Wow.. Just wow.. You totally hit the nail on the head.. I was a single mom for many, many years. No welfare. No child support. 4 kids. Thankfully one good job and a sister who is a saint.. You are so right.. Being single, being a single mom, it ain't for sissies..
    I could comment forever on this post.. I loved it all and related to every bit of it..
    Great post..
    I hope you have an amazing, relaxing Easter overflowing with love and peace.. YOU'VE EARNED IT!

    1. Thank you so much MiMi. It will be a relaxing Sunday, I think just my mom, my roomy and me and the furbabies for a basic ham dinner. Not expecting anyone else. I don't care, they're all busy and I am fine with that.
      I did have a rough few years, but wow, the payoff of great adult kids and a wonderful life now was so worth it all.
      I've earned nothing really. I did what needed to be done and there was no one else to do it! Pretty simple. ♥

  3. Jo, memory is a tricky thing at best. Even if you remember vividly how or where something took place, the minute you remove it from that file cabinet in the head, and look at it, you have changed it once again. I wouldn't worry about the (what you didn't say)... just know that sometimes there is no reason to bring it back to the forefront... it was a different life and time.

    Now to the second part of your post. I have been there done that. It did not take me a year to be able to eat again, but it was a several month process and frankly pretty damned scary. My whole mouth swelled up though, and I didn't even get to the swallowing part, it didn't want to be in my mouth. Crazy... but part of survival at times. We do what we have to and deal with the fall out later... because the options seem minimal at the time. Interesting though, it really does feel like a different lifetime... or someone else's life.

    Great writes...

    1. I agree. It almost seems like someone else lived those years and left me the memories. I also got to keep the love and respect of those kids, as well.
      I was not even really aware that I wasn't eating. I know that sounds stupid, but I never feel hungry. I must be missing a gene. I eat because it's time or something sounds good to me. I never am hungry as other people describe hunger. Not eating was not a big deal to me. I had a bite of this or that when the kids were finished and I felt I had eaten.
      Thank you for relating and the kindness you always show. ♥

  4. Humbled I am to read what you went through and you shared it so beautifully. I agree - you should "book" it. We're the reverse in the traveling. I also like to take different routes and to make stops, but I alwasy do it on the way - once I'mheaded home, there's jsut no stopping me. It's straight line all the way. Your patience and determiniatin during the time you mentin is inspiring (although I am saddened by the not eating). Shows so much how strong the focus was on your children and how wonderful to hear that your relationship with them is all the stronger for it. It's heartening to read about how much you enjoy your life now. You've certainly earned it!

    1. Thank you Amy, for the kindness and the understanding. I don't often write about that time in my life because to be honest, it isn't pleasant, except to look at the gain at the end. Was it all worth the price? I don't really know. I only know that it is my history and therefore, it is part of who I am now.

  5. oh, it's SO so nice to hear other moms ant one point or another had no patience.

    1. No question that exhaustion and stress removed my patience! We survived and they forgave me and maybe now even understand me!

  6. You are a very strong woman to have gone through all that. You have my respect. I quit eating when I got divorced. I understand the not being able to swallow. I too was skin & bones, but I was able to begin eating again without much problem.

    As for the memory...I am in big trouble and I know it. I can't remember things like I used to. It bothers me very much, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. Fortunately, my husband is understanding and is like my external memory. LOL

    Great how you caught up in one blog! You're a slick cookie. *grinning*

    1. Thank you very much Darlene. It was not a good time in my life, but it is part of who I am, so...
      I like to think my head is just too full of things to move all the files around and pull out the memories I wish I could, but can't find them. I know I lived them, so they must be there somewhere!

  7. Wow, I really enjoyed this. I can relate to the memory problems, so frustrating to my kids. I think next time I take a trip, I will go a new route to see what there is to see. Finally, I just don't know how you handled things so well through your rough years. I worked 3 jobs at one time because we had to have the money to survive, and I did lose weight, but never got close to where you had gotten. You are one strong lady. Thank you for sharing a bit of your life with us.

    1. It makes me happy that you enjoyed this one. We all have memory issues with age and busy lives, but I guess we all also think about the possibilities of something far worse than 'forgetfulness'.
      I don't know that I handled anything well back then. I think I just did what needed done that I was capable of doing. Decision making wasn't my strong point! But I lived with the consequences and tried to take care of business as best I could.
      Probably could done better. ♥

  8. Jo, your note on Patience really touched me. I am a single mom right now and I can just relate to everything you write. I am so thankful that I have now got a job that makes me happy after months of waiting and worrying. Being a single mom takes a lot of courage and strength. So glad it all worked out for you. love and hugs.

    1. Oh Suzy, I hope you have a better grasp on your situation than I did. I was flying by the seat of my pants most days and I somehow came out the other side fairly well in tact. I hope the same for you and your kids.
      It does in fact, take strength and determination and I believe you have that.

      Lots of love and hugs right back your way! ♥


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