There was a time, not long ago, that I thought I was a nice person. I thought of others before myself. I knew I was a giver and a fixer, by nature. It was always difficult for me to be the receiver, even though I was in need and did accept help from time to time. It was never easy, appreciated, but not comfortable. Somehow, those years formed a strong need to help when and where I could and allow the recipient to feel good about letting me do so.
Im not that person now. I'm sorry that I lost her. She was loved and she had friends, lots of them. There were very few around her that didn't speak kindly of her.
That isn't true now. The person I've become is not concerned with being nice.
I do have wonderful friends. People I love and care about and enjoy. But I also have people around me now that don't like me. That call me bossy, mean and accuse me of ruining everything since I moved here. Other people thank me for trying to improve and listen to the membership. Thank me for thinking outside the box. I understand that's life when you're in a leadership role. What I don't understand is gossiping behind one's back and smiling to one's face. The membership did grow under my leadership because I had much help from members. People just waiting to be included, invited to assist or take charge of something.
Having said all of that, I finally resigned and now see, hear and feel a very heavy weight from those who cheered my leaving the volunteer position that they told me no one wanted. I know why now. It's very hard to be disliked, disrespected and to continue to try to mend the split community. Reaching out and not trusting the hand reaching back. Knowing those relationships are superficial. Knowing I am not the nice and honest to a fault person that I used to be. I don't belong anywhere any more. I don't even know if I like me anymore. I wonder how my friends have been able to embrace me. I wonder why they would want to do that.
Bullying. I am talking about adult bullying from behind your back. While you think it's a few people, with which you can deal, you learn they've spread their opinion of you as fact to many others. Those others believe them. They don't know. Yep, it's jr high school at the retirement village and I'm the target 🎯.