Saturday, October 15, 2022
Today is the five month mark since my husband of 40 years passed and I have been left to learn. Learn what, you might ask. Who I am, now. What I am here to finish. Why I am so lost. Where I should be heading and choices to be made. I'm quite unsure who I am. I am a mother, but my children are grown and living hours away so not much mothering is needed or apparently wanted. However, I can and I am mothering my furbabies. So I've learned I can still do that, although alone is different, its doable. ✔ I believe we stay in this life until we finish our tasks. What mine might be is somewhat of a mystery to me, but I am willing to keep looking for things. It might be a thing or a long list or anything in between. I suppose I will be directed in any case. So I pray I will heed the call.✔️ The feeling of being lost is not new to me, but it is different this time. I was very lost for a short time after we lost Momma. I don't know where or how to find myself. I don't know where to begin. I am comfortable in this home. I am happy in my close friends and aquaintances here in Holiday Village. I belong here, I know. It's more a matter of where in this spot do I fit? I did invite a small group to dinner one time and it was a lot of laughs and a great meal. Yet no one has extended another invitation. I am really not sure at all what i can do to fix this except be patient and keep attending group events, which I have been doing. Time, I suppose.✔ Now where my life goes from here is my biggest question. Some days I just want to be home with the furkids and not even think about anything or anyone else. Then I feel very content, however, I dont want that to be my life. Thats why I attend any group gathering that I can and I enjoy doing that, but always wonder if I fit there anymore. Always. ✔ Last on my list is that my friend, adopted sister, is in another state and ill. She is with her kids and their kids and their kids and her husband is there now, too. I can't go for two reasons. My furkids need to be cared for and that isn't cheap and I am going to spend Thanksgiving with my kids and their kids and I will be paying for furbaby care for that trip. So financially speaking, I can only do one trip and it has to be my kids. We will keep in touch by phone and she knows I love her and am with her in spirit and heart.✔ All in all, I am doing okay, day to day. I get through each day with a fair share of laughter and still tears, at some point. Tears for missing my partner and hugger. Every day I have to say "my" something instead of "our" something. Small thing, I suppose, but still painful. "My" was never in the plans.✔ Pictures...something I am so thankful to have.✔
Sunday, September 11, 2022
My life changed on May 15, 2022 in every conceivable way. My husband, life mate, partner in everything went home to be with our Lord. Eight weeks prior I had days that I feared I was losing him and then days I thought I'd be bringing him home. Never sure under what conditions that homecoming would occur, but still optimistic. Mostly I prayed for His will be done and for us to have the strength and wisdom to adjust to whatever that looked like. I never believed, and still dont, that I should pray for his healing. I believe the book of life is already completed and all things happen as He means for them to happen. So I ask for strength and wisdom and ability to accept. I received a most peaceful feeling for days after he left me; wrapped in the Grace of God, no doubt. I was relieved that his pain was over. That he was at peace and surrounded by so many lost loved ones that we shared. I was jealous. I do not believe I get to choose my last day on earth, but to be honest, I did tell God, "my bags are packed and I'm ready when you call me." I am sitting here now, wondering why I am still here. Really! I mean, my reason for everything I did for the last 40 years, besides being Momma's back-up for anything she needed, is gone. Yes, I have amazing kids and friends and my furbabies, but they have all survived our loss and basically are doing okay. Their lives have not changed except they miss him. They always will, as I will. As I still, 8 years later, miss Momma. They are not, however, living alone. Every day, alone at days begining and ending. People in between to pass time. To laugh with and be normal. That is great, really great. These people are my saving graces. Nothing in my daily life is really right anymore. It's all very different and though not horrible, it's not right. I'm not right. I'm unstable, at best. I feel like my only comfort is found alone at what is now, "my" home. Comfort, but also a deep sense of loss. Loss of the life I loved. The "key" to that life, it seems, wasn't the community, the friends, the weather...we thought it was. The "key" was "US" and this "house" which we made our own. That's what made my life so good. That is gone. It's now my house and my life. I have to find a way for all of this to be right, to be normal. I adopted a kitten, just short of a year old, he turned one in August. I still have special needs, psychotic Beary who doesnt like me particularly, but does need the care I give him. They are very good for me and I'm very happy to have them in my home. I would be lost without my furbabies, for sure. So thank you Lord for leading me to those decisions at the time. I love my babies. My future? I only know that I will do what needs to be done, one way or the other. I will continue to move forward, as best I can and I will continue to try to make Mike proud of my progress moving on with what time I have left. I will continue to try to be a kinder person every day. I will try to be less self-concerned and more about those I might be able to help in some way. That is pretty much where I am four months into my grieving process.