On this day in 2011, I wrote on this subject. I wrote how I don't spend my life longing for things past nor for future things. I wrote how I visit my memories and dream my dreams, but I live in the now. I do.
Today, however, I am not that same person.
Life changes us and my life has drastically changed me in the last four years. Then I lived in Michigan. I had two furbabies and my momma lived 2 miles down the road. I took care of their needs and I worked a couple days a week in the salon. My Roomy worked full time and we were busy people with good lives.
Four years. What a difference such a short time can make. We now live in Florida with one surviving furbaby and Momma has been gone for a week shy of a year. Sadie has been gone a week shy of 8 months. We have been in our new home a little more than a week shy of 8 months. The few months following the death of Momma and again or still following Sadie's death, I longed. I longed for the ache to leave me. I longed for the happiness of how blessed I still was to be enough. I longed for a time of peace that didn't hurt. That time has finally come.
I do not long for things past. I miss them, I remember with love and appreciation all things past and all the loves I've been blessed with, but I don't long for those days because it would only bring darkness into my day. I am where I am meant to be and I am the person I am meant to be. I am, once again, in the Light. I am a blessing to some and a source of irritation to others. A curse, if you will.
The person I am now is not as grounded. I am not as useful to anyone. I don't really have a purpose now. I have a life. I take our senior pup, Jake to the Doc as needed and make sure he has what medication makes him pain free and able to function and be a happy boy. Then I look at my children and grandchildren and I know that they were and are my real reason for being. I was given life to honor my parents, siblings and give birth to extraordinary people who gave birth to more extraordinary people. Maybe one of them will be President one day. Maybe one will inherit my ability to love without conditions. Maybe they all will.
The heartaches I've endured have been to teach me humility and gratitude. Lessons I have learned and live comfortably with now. I am nothing special and the world will go on just fine when I am gone, but I am loved by enough people that I will be missed and remembered. The sound of my voice is still comforting to some and my ear for listening and maybe sharing encouragement is still requested. That's who I am now. And my writings will keep me alive for those who come after I have moved on.
I am also a voice for the four legged house pets people take in and then drop off at the shelters or neighborhoods because they are too much trouble or expense. I advocate with my writing and my actions for furbabies to be family and loved and IN your home with the rest of your family. I preach good nutrition and not grocery store dog/cat food. Homemade or high quality food made in the US under controlled conditions, purchased through independent pet stores or online from the sources. Your babies are worth it and their health is all you can give them besides love and shelter.
So longing? No, I don't have time for that. I'm too busy now with retirement and finding out what I want to do with the rest of my days. I may just spend them enjoying the fruits of my labor, but I will for certain not be spending them longing for something I cannot have or already had.
Four years later I am still longing only to live.
Jo
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Monday, August 3, 2015
SUNDAY AFTERNOON THOUGHTS
It's sunny and it's warm and there's a nice breeze. I should be so happy today. It's my perfect kind of day and I am in Florida in the house that screamed "Home" to us when we first walked through last November. This is the life I have thought of and dreamed of for so many years and it is now MY LIFE everyday. But today, it's just not enough.
I can't shake the heaviness today. It's August 2. Oldest son's birthday and he is in Tennessee. The other boy's birthdays will be here shortly and they are in Michigan. Then the grandkids birthdays start again. We have already missed four of them. Two of them are in Seattle, so we're used to missing those. The other four will all happen from September to November and we'll miss those, too.
That's part of the heaviness. The rest is harder to fix. Eventually we may be able to be at all the birthdays or at the very least visit each family for one of them alternating each year.
Today I pulled out a bunch of paperwork that previously I didn't want to take the time to go through. Some was ours and some was from Momma's move from the apartment to our house. I had put it all in an easy to access spot for sorting one day and today was that day.
I found insurance papers I had forgotten about for this house. Reminding me that both house and car will be due in December for
renewal. UGH I found pictures that were Momma's and I had put them in an envelope when I packed that sort of thing to move her. Other pics were in that envelope that I don't even remember seeing for years. Don't know when they were stuck in there or maybe they were already in there and I added the rest? Who knows. But I enjoyed seeing them and remembering.
I also found a big bag of cards. I am not a card saver. I didn't think was, but apparently over the years I have saved a few. I read every one and cried over the memory of most. Many were from Momma. With handwritten thank you, love you so much, how do you do it all, what would I do without you...messages. The cards were mostly mushy and lovingly chosen. I was with her as she bought cards and each one was selected with love and lots of attention to the message. Sometimes funny and sometimes just so perfectly worded it was as though she ordered them. I became lost in my own past. I stayed lost for a few hours. I saved each of these cards because I won't ever get another one. I was lost in all that I lost. I was lost in all that I had and for a few minutes, I had her back. I was one with her thoughts. I could see her signing and sealing each one and then running her hand over the front, which had the name of the recipient, with a sort of hug. I saw her do this so many times. I was completely transported to the time when she still was.
I miss her every day. She walks through my mind every day. My thoughts are never far from "when" or "that day" or "she said" or "she needs" or "guess what she did?" My life is so different now. My days are not structured by any means. I'm not a routine person anymore. Sometimes I don't even get groceries; I just pick up what I need and do it again a couple days later. I used to have a laundry day or days, now I do laundry when my basket is full. I seldom even know what day it is and I don't care because they're all the same.
So for those of you who thought I was really doing well with my grief, I am, usually. I am almost always reasonably happy and managing each day with joy. However, these days, like today, I am a mess and I am truly lost in my own pain and sorrow. I believed I would be much stronger by now, 11 months next week, and maybe even smiling all the time I think of her. I want that. She is smile worthy. Her memory and her affect on my life is smile worthy. But the pain is still in control. The days that I miss her the most are just there when I wake up and seem to stay for a couple of days. Again, I've said this so often, the depth of pain might equal the depth of love.
Rest easy Momma, I'll get this under control one day at a time. I miss you and will carry you in my heart always. There is no other way.
Jo
I can't shake the heaviness today. It's August 2. Oldest son's birthday and he is in Tennessee. The other boy's birthdays will be here shortly and they are in Michigan. Then the grandkids birthdays start again. We have already missed four of them. Two of them are in Seattle, so we're used to missing those. The other four will all happen from September to November and we'll miss those, too.
That's part of the heaviness. The rest is harder to fix. Eventually we may be able to be at all the birthdays or at the very least visit each family for one of them alternating each year.
Today I pulled out a bunch of paperwork that previously I didn't want to take the time to go through. Some was ours and some was from Momma's move from the apartment to our house. I had put it all in an easy to access spot for sorting one day and today was that day.
I found insurance papers I had forgotten about for this house. Reminding me that both house and car will be due in December for
renewal. UGH I found pictures that were Momma's and I had put them in an envelope when I packed that sort of thing to move her. Other pics were in that envelope that I don't even remember seeing for years. Don't know when they were stuck in there or maybe they were already in there and I added the rest? Who knows. But I enjoyed seeing them and remembering.
I also found a big bag of cards. I am not a card saver. I didn't think was, but apparently over the years I have saved a few. I read every one and cried over the memory of most. Many were from Momma. With handwritten thank you, love you so much, how do you do it all, what would I do without you...messages. The cards were mostly mushy and lovingly chosen. I was with her as she bought cards and each one was selected with love and lots of attention to the message. Sometimes funny and sometimes just so perfectly worded it was as though she ordered them. I became lost in my own past. I stayed lost for a few hours. I saved each of these cards because I won't ever get another one. I was lost in all that I lost. I was lost in all that I had and for a few minutes, I had her back. I was one with her thoughts. I could see her signing and sealing each one and then running her hand over the front, which had the name of the recipient, with a sort of hug. I saw her do this so many times. I was completely transported to the time when she still was.
I miss her every day. She walks through my mind every day. My thoughts are never far from "when" or "that day" or "she said" or "she needs" or "guess what she did?" My life is so different now. My days are not structured by any means. I'm not a routine person anymore. Sometimes I don't even get groceries; I just pick up what I need and do it again a couple days later. I used to have a laundry day or days, now I do laundry when my basket is full. I seldom even know what day it is and I don't care because they're all the same.
So for those of you who thought I was really doing well with my grief, I am, usually. I am almost always reasonably happy and managing each day with joy. However, these days, like today, I am a mess and I am truly lost in my own pain and sorrow. I believed I would be much stronger by now, 11 months next week, and maybe even smiling all the time I think of her. I want that. She is smile worthy. Her memory and her affect on my life is smile worthy. But the pain is still in control. The days that I miss her the most are just there when I wake up and seem to stay for a couple of days. Again, I've said this so often, the depth of pain might equal the depth of love.
Rest easy Momma, I'll get this under control one day at a time. I miss you and will carry you in my heart always. There is no other way.
Jo
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