My generation is often referred to as "the sandwich generation" because many of us have children in our homes and parents also needing care in our homes or a facility. I am not technically in either of those situations so I don't qualify. However, is there a parent anywhere with grown children who doesn't feel the need to parent forever? Is there a child who doesn't feel the need to "parent" an aging parent who can't quite make it alone?
My kids are grown and self-sufficient. They don't need me. They are totally capable of living their lives without my input. I think. I mean, I'm not about to give them that opportunity. I keep my nose in their business by asking questions and I am always here for the long talks moms and kids have to shake things out or to make decisions. I don't make decisions for them, not that they would ask, but I listen and give my opinions and then support their decisions, even when that's hard. It's what I do. I believe in them and their ability to handle consequences of their actions because they have proven over the years that they can do this and I have learned over those same years to be compassionate, but butt out at some point.
My mom, now that's a different story all together. She has always been very capable and since Dad died 35 years ago, very independent. She has always appreciated any help or assistance I've given her and I have done so willingly and lovingly. For the past 4 years she has lived here in the same area where I live and not wanting to drive. She could, but not safely, so good choice. I am the taxi, the checkbook balancer, the call those people and ask questions guy, the take care of business guy. I am her baby girl and she often thanks me for doing those things. It is my pleasure, most of the time; sometimes it's just my job and I just do what needs to be done. Sometimes she doesn't appreciate me at all. Sometimes she resents me. That's hard.
Aging is a mean thing. I have concluded from my experience with people who are 90 and older that being entitled is part of life. "I don't have to" is an answer to things she should be doing, but doesn't want to do. She is right. She only has to eat right if she wants to feel better. She only has to move around more if she wants to be able to move around more. Those are the two areas we discuss most often. With very little progress, I might add, because she doesn't have to. What I see happening with her is decline. Mental and physical and in the last year, much more rapidly than previous years. I want to help her live a more comfortable and healthier life, but I cannot make her do anything. I can't make her be nice about that, either. I can continue to be straight-forward in a kind way, but I can't change who she is or what she says. She can be very mean in her effort to assert herself. It's hard.
I am learning from this experience. I am aware that at some time as I age, my mind will not function as I need it to do. I know that I will continue to lose memory. I will need assistance with physical things more than I do today. I will not be completely self-sufficient and I will need help. I have learned that when that time comes I will have to be very conscious of the words I choose. I will need to remember to be kind and appreciative. I will also need to maintain as much independence as I possibly can for as long as I can. I have also learned that my future really does depend on my today. Mentally I must begin with today. I have to prepare myself to age gracefully and with as much mental awareness as is possible to maintain by eating healthy food and exercising physically to maintain some strength and balance.
Avoiding what I am dealing with today with my own beloved mother for my children. Or perhaps for the people they hire to take care of their old decrepit mom. I don't know, I only know it
BEGINS WITH the choices I make today.
Jo
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ReplyDeleteI'm going to walk on the wild side and just post this while I'm at the laptop. I loved this post because of your ability to lay out a discouraging problem and then describe a compassionate, positive and believable approach that could be taken by anyone. It always brightens my spirits to see someone express such an outlook. You oughta take questions from the rest of us.
ReplyDeletePossibly I should take suggestions from the rest of you! Most days I'm pretty much in control of myself if no one else and I want more than Momma is willing to do so I have to remember it isn't for ME to decide her lifestyle. It is only for me to help her be whatever she wants to be.
DeleteAgain, wisdom I will remember.
DeleteIt's probably just as frustrating for her as it is for you, knowing she isn't as capable as she used to be. But yeah, at age 90 I think you've earned the right to do just as you please. Good on you for doing what you do to look out for her.
ReplyDeleteI agree. She gets to choose her life. I just get to share it. She's a very stubborn and determined gal and so is her baby girl.
DeleteWe manage. And I do love her.
I went through this with both of my parents who were pretty much both struck down in the prime of life. Dad was 65 and Mom was 51. Both of them were used to taking care of business themselves. Then mom got cancer and dad had his stroke and they needed help and I was there to give it. Not easy for two independent souls but I have no doubt that they appreciated my efforts. They both thanked me before they died and that just meant the world to me. I was so happy to be able to do all I could for them as they had always done all they could for me. ♥
ReplyDeleteI feel that, too, Kathy. It's my turn to give.
DeleteIt's such a blessing to have her still bright and witty and most of the time very capable. The memory thing is becoming scary at times, but other times, not so bad so...you know, I just deal.
Your post came at the right time. Dad's health is failing and Mom got herself to the point of being hospitalized with a panic attack. My brother's and I do what we can, but the aging process is not always kind. It is a great worry. Thanks for letting me know there is someone else who sees what I see and is going through a similar situation at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI know Cathy...it's very draining sometimes and then I remind myself how blessed my life has been. She has been such a bonus to me for so many years and she has leaned on me oh so gently until just recently. Now the leaning is more necessary and harder for her. She so doesn't want to NEED me and she does.
DeleteI hope your parents have peace and know how much they are loved cuz really isn't that the important thing?
Love your honesty in this piece Jo (as always). I found with my parents, bot now deceased, they felt the same way. And I think they were entitled to "let up" some. They worked hard and followed the rules their whole life and I really believe it as a joy for them from time to time to just say "no" because they wanted to. Love your close relationship with your mom!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Amy. I like it, too. We laugh together a lot.
DeleteAs someone in this position currently, I can relate. I definitely have to sometimes take a back seat to my mom's wishes, despite me knowing something else may be better for her. Mine is the opposite sometimes with the moving around. She does move, even when she should be taking it easy, so it's difficult to step back. At the end of the day, it's their decisions. This was a very good post for this prompt. I was really curious if this would inspire dramatically different ideas from everyone. Great choice.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, boss-lady. It can be so hard to step back, but that is the right thing. I know that.
DeleteTaking care of parents is tough. I went through that in my thirties, and now, sadly they are gone.
ReplyDeletehttp://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2014/02/dogwood-loves-dogs.html
That, Joyce, is why I try not to whine too much. I do whine now and then, but more often I am just grateful she is still here and still living on her own.
DeleteNever heard of the "sandwich" symbolism before; makes sense. Yup it starts now..and really...never ends LOVE ON!!! Had to cancel my trip as my mom got sick just this week. Hospitalized with CHF and you know, one sister never even visited or called. Her husband did...and i sit here thinking she was raised by the SAME parents. Just scratch your head...chat with my kids about it and it comes down to "trauma" Both my sisters were brutally abused and it changed them. One cares for humans, the other animals. Both are unbelievably gifted. One compassionate the other aloof. . . . and we love on ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteLife without compassion is lonely to my mind, but there are so many who do live that way and cause such sadness for others. My mom is my mom and nothing that I can imagine would allow me to not care for her and provide whatever she might need. Abuse...a life changer for sure. Sometimes it makes people dedicate themselves to protecting victims and sometimes people retreat from all connections and so many things can result. Each person chooses their life-after abuse by choosing their treatment and support.
DeletePrayers for your Mom Brenda and as always for you.