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Sunday, December 27, 2015

T'was The Day or Two After Christmas 2015

And so it goes...the holiday comes rushing in and then even more quickly it moves on into the history or herstory pages.

I expected to be happy in our new home with or without decorations and sharing dinner with our friend and her pups. I anticipated feeling Momma's absence as the 24th passed without her for the second time. That evening was always very special to me. It was "our" time. It is "my" time now. Not so festive or warm or fun. Reflective though, I found I remembered so many holidays with her and with both parents. Things I hadn't thought of in a long time were running around in my head. Funny things, sweet things and just mundane, ordinary things. Christmas with the parents was traditional and yet always open for new things. Just as it should be, I believe.

For us, now, it is a day without the kids and their kids. A day we text or phone or FaceTime or all three before the three days pass. Christmas Eve, Christmas and my birthday have become the three day holiday. It is now different, not bad, just different. 

We do Christmas with the kids on Thanksgiving with those who can join. It's a nice compromise and it was so much fun this year, it carried me through to the real Christmas. I missed everyone, but not in a weepy or depressed way, just accepted this new way of doing Christmas and was happy going about our preparations for guests. Dinner and company was so pleasant. We did just fine. Merry Christmas was enjoyed here.

My birthday had many moments of eye leakage thinking of all the silly things Momma and Roomy and I had done in the past to celebrate the day she had her last baby and the day I ruined Christmas dinner! It was 1949. So lucky to have so many birthdays with her in our home or before that, in her home. 64 of them with her; 2 without her, so far. I really miss her. I think it's getting a bit less frequent, but when the pain hits me, it's debilitating and I cannot fight it off. I am sure it will remain this way. She was a force in my life and some of my life was completely about being her baby. I miss that, too. 

Today, the day after the three day holiday, I am still very wrapped up in memories of her. Good ones and heart wrenching ones. The tears have been on and off all day and I feel almost empty now as night approaches. It's as though my soul has just realized that this is my new normal and it is not pleased. Nothing in my life can be as it was before September 2014. Everything is changed. Some things are good and the change is easy. Others are difficult. Like my own and her birthday. Both are very painful. 

I feel so blessed to have such wonderful people around me that keep me smiling and keep me in the now. I have to live in my now because that's who I am. It's a little more of a challenge on these days, but I am doing it. I think my kids and my friends understand and make an extra effort. If not, it feels that way to me. My husband doesn't seem to notice, I'm glad of that because he can't fix it and would try. I'm pretty good at grieving on my own in private and in prayer for more strength to face these days with memories.

As I sit here in my new home, Roomy dozes across the way, Miggy is crashed on the back porch and I alone am not listening to the news and writing. This is a good time. It's quiet. I'm ignoring the yapping of the local news guy and am immersed in my own thoughts, which you are reading. I like this feeling of mind purging and the hope that another grieving person will read this and feel less alone. Maybe even get a little strength knowing that lost love really does change you forever on so many levels and that's okay. I've said before that I loved my dad and have missed him everyday since his death in 1978. That is true, but Momma and I were so much more than mother and child. More than friends and much more than care-giver and patient. We were connected by our hearts. We still are. We will always be. It is a different loss. The kind of loss that is forever painful. The kind of love that is priceless. And price for having had that is this never-ending ache.

The one thing that keeps me out of the dark place I might want to fall into sometimes, is that I know how much she loved me. I know how safe and content she is now. I know how young and happy she is now and I know she is with Dad. My faith restores me daily and my God never lets go of my hand. I never walk alone. ~Amen.

Jo




18 comments:

  1. As you've pointed out Jo, grief is such a different journey for each loss. Glad you are having some good times as well and are able to draw a good measure of comfort from the lovely memories you have. Take care!

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    1. Thanks for commenting Amy. So few people do now. I am finding my way, but am amazed at how strong my loss is. I expected to have more control by now, but no. I am just learning to dredge up happy memories and even if they also bring a tear, it's easier to cry over the happy times, I guess.

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  2. Happy Holidays to you sweet, Jo. Blessings in the New Year. No trite words, for words cannot express the feelings, even though you do it so well. God never promised that our path would be painless, just that He would never leave us. I am so glad He keeps his promises. Elaine.

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    1. yes he does. Thank you, Elaine, I know you know. love you.

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  3. I feel your sadness through your words and it makes we teary to absorb your pain. But I know that you are a strong woman Jo and through this pain you will become even stronger. You are right...you never walk alone. Not only because you have God, but because you have us.

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    1. I say He has provided me with both Spiritual love and humans with giant hearts to hold me up. I am blessed, for sure. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It helps me to know you're out there.

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  5. Jo, thank you for allowing us to help relieve some of the pain of your loss.
    By sharing you allow us to share with you, and hopefully you draw strength from that. While I never met your Mom, I feel I'very gotten to know her through your blogs...you do her proud!
    Happy 3 Day Holiday, and a very Happy Birthday!!!

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    1. Thanks for that, Joe. It is for sure true that each of you holds me up from time to time. I am thrilled that so many people feel they knew her through my words. I love that.

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  6. Never alone. Hugs to you this season ❤️

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    1. It's true. We do help each other, don't we? I'll take that hug today and everyday. <3 Right back at you. Love you.

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  7. I go where you go many times. Usually alone. I think that's best, God is with me there and knowing I will see her again, helps me come back with no one the wiser. Velda

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    1. Exactly how I feel. It's for me and God to handle and He doesn't disappoint.

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  8. Me in a nutshell these past holidays. You said it all except you left out the part of dark, gray, sunless skies. They are really bothering me this year. Not being around my grandbabies is a daily ache. Missing my dad... Personally, I couldn't wait for the holidays to come and go. On the surface I was accepting. I adjusted my sails - which is apparently the theme of my life these days - but inside I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never emerge until I could see the faces of my grandbabies with blue skies and sunlight behind them. I am sorry for your heartaches Jo but I thank you for sharing and making the rest of us not feel quite so alone. I too have God, and that, at the moment, is all I know for sure.. <3

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    1. I am sorry we are sharing this, though we have shared many heartaches and high times, haven't we? In many ways our lives are parallels.
      We will come through this and we will smile, giggle and love more often than we fall into the dark spot. I have faith in us because with God all things are possible. We're gonna be just fine...with a little sun and a ton of prayer.
      Love you and thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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  10. Jo, It's been so long since I have visited, felt the urge and pull to write. Logging on, I see all my writing friends and all their words that I have missed. I will celebrate with a return to these blogs that pulled me through such difficult times. There is another side of that pain, I can assure you. It doesn't go away but grief ebbs and flows like the tide, and yours is your own. You'll find your way through and around it. I'm glad you shared how you feel. It helps, doesn't it?

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    1. It does help to write and it also helps to read responses from others who understand or at least, care. Blogging has pulled me through some very dark days and allowed me to share some magical moments as well.
      So nice to see you back!

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