I, nor she, had any idea.
For two years I've wondered how do I do this? Who am I now? It's all about me.
It used to be all about her.
My life changed beyond my wildest imagination since that night. We've lost our teen-aged furbabies. Sadie at 13 passed three months after Momma. Jake at 15 passed 8 months later.
- JAKE
SADIE
We moved from Michigan to Florida and then moved again 11 months later.
We adopted an adorable little guy from the Humane Society, Miggy a few days after Jake died.
MIGGY
Miggy & Me
So many changes and so much adjustment. Roomy and I are strong. We are happily settled now and this retirement community is our home. Likely, our last home. The friends we have here are snowbirds, for the most part, but we have one friend from the sub and a couple from our street that stay year round with us. Good friends are a treasure.
Going to bed tonight will be sad. No question. I will stay up past 2, which is when she passed in my arms and next to my heart. I seldom go to bed before 1:30, which is when I retired that night, but not tonight and not very often since.
One thing I now know to be true. All the firsts of the first year of grief are unbelievably difficult. The second year those days are even more difficult because life did go on without her. Life changed and the good days outnumbered the weeping days, but "those" days are reminders of the finality of it all. Realism sets in. It really is like this now. It will always be like this now. She lives in my heart now. She lives in the choices I make. The life I choose. The love I share. She lives in all those things, all those things she taught me or showed me. I am my mother's daughter is so many ways.
Momma & I
As long as I am walking this earth, I will miss her every day. I hope soon to miss her with more giggles and fewer tears.
The greatest of love breeds the greatest of grief.
Jo
I agree that year two is worse than the first year. In my experience, year two is the very worst of all. I hope that's the case for you because that will mean this next year will hurt just a little bit less, that remembering will begin its journey to bringing happy tears rather than debilitating grief.
ReplyDeleteThis piece shows your love, but even more than that, it shows your strength. The past two years have brought you so many challenges and so much pain. But here you are, moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other, and keeping your heart open. Love this about you.
Thank you for this warm and understanding comment. I often think when I write about my grief others can't grasp why I can't just move on. Comments are scarce. Those who do comment are supportive and appreciated.
DeleteIt always helps me to write so I do. Now and then it helps someone else to know they aren't alone. I'm glad.
And moving on is a choice I make every day. Don't we all? She would not be surprised to see how difficult this has been because she knew my heart. She knew her place in it. She knew I'd be a bit lost. But I also know she'd want me to buck up and deal. I sort of am. Most days.
My heart aches for you Jo. I miss my dad every nanosecond of every waking moment I have. I keep thinking one day it won't hurt so much. I day I'll accept that he's gone and one day I'll stop wishing I had just one more moment with him.. God bless you, and God Bless your Momma. <3
ReplyDeleteThat day will never come for me. But I do know she has peace. I know I will see her and Dad again and I know I must live each day until then.
DeleteYear two nearly killed me. We are not meant to get over anything that was/is a part of our lives. Memory and experience are not supposed to be erased, they are a part of us always. Forgetting would mean eliminating pieces of ourselves that make us who we are.
ReplyDeleteFeel what you need to feel for as long as you need. Anytime you need to share, I'm listening.
Be careful what you offer. I have days when I'd love to just dump all day and I truly don't have a safe dumping ground. A place where I will not hear, let it go, move on, don't let this rule your days! I cannot hear those things.
Delete