THE SEASONS

Moon over Durand August 27, 2012
photo~Jo Heroux

Don't know how it happens

Nor do I know if it matters at all

But this night of a full moon 

Brings me back, back before the fall.

The fall, falls
Leaves are all over the ground

They aren't bright, they aren't alive

They're just there.

It's not lovely, it's death all around.

Tho' the chill in the air brings me down

The shimmering light warms my soul

It's that ball of bright light 

Which fools me, if only tonight.

Still the darkness fills every pore

It seeps into my battling self

I can't keep it at bay

I can't fight it off anymore.

Fall is death for all things that I crave

My flowers, the trees and the grass

The pool is not open nor sparkling

My bones will stay chilled until May.

Closing eyes to remember my summer

Wrapping tighter inside my big robe

Seeing sunshine and blooms and the water

Getting through this is oh, such a bummer.

Winter comes and it goes and I live through it

I even smile at the first sign of snow

It cleans otherwise nasty browness

But I don't venture out to feel it.

Spring arrives and my heart feels lighter

I clean up and I plant and I putter

I open that pool with great vigor

Every cell of my being is brighter.

Waking to hot, humid days

My eyes are covered with shades

Coffee on the deck

Hummers feeding and chirping

I'm alive again, I feel again. 
The water glistens again

I am warm. I am happy. 
I am ME in Summer.

Jo

Being All That I Can Be

The Writer’s Post #36 ~ Writer’s Choice

Winter means staying in much more than is healthy. It means I am house bound by choice. I do not like being outside in the cold or the snow or the wind. The sunshiny days are better than the gloomy ones, but for me, they all pretty much present the same challenge. How do I get through until summer returns? One more day. Then one more. That’s the only way.

Life goes on pretty much as usual except that I don’t smile as much and I don’t enjoy as much. I don’t even think that I care as much.

I’m talking about the every day things that I really love in the summer. The clean house with the sun shining through it always makes me smile and cleaning it so that can happen, well, that just makes me happy. Cooking healthy and nutritious meals is fun when the grill is handy and not requiring a parka to enjoy standing outside cooking something yummy. Making a big ole salad with freshly grilled chicken or steak from the grill sliced over the top makes me down right giddy.  Getting laundry done early in my day so that I can have lots of time outside in the afternoon and evening, oh yeah, I love doing that.  I’m talking about little things like, coffee on the deck in the morning sun or even a light rain with the awnings opened.  The warmth and the freshness of the morning air always gets me going in a good direction.

Those are the things my life thrives with. None of those things exists here from November until at least April.  That’s tough for someone like me.  And I know there are many like me.

That’s why I write about it now and then. That’s why I write about it at all. It helps me to think maybe someone who is like me, will read one of my blogs and feel just a little less odd. That is how I feel almost all winter. Not sad, like many people think. Not suicidal, just odd and out of sorts. Blah, without any joy. If anything bad is going to happen, I feel like the winter and fall is when it will happen. I don’t look for it. I don’t wait for it. I don’t even think about it. I just know that anything bad will be much more likely in the fall and winter months.  Not logical since I have suffered some very sad and heartbreaking things in the heat of my beloved summer. More than a couple of them and yet, I never associate summer with loss. 

There are happy days in the fall and winter, don’t misunderstand, but they are the oddity rather than the rule. Summer is full of happy days with the rare off or even sad day.

Being the best I can be, means I have to trudge on and look for, yes actively look for, happy things during the SAD season.  I find them, too. I make some of them happen by choosing not to be alone.  By choosing to be with people I love and who make me laugh. It’s such a difficult thing to do sometimes because what I really want to do, I mean totally want to do, is stay home and sit or nap or curl up on the couch and do nothing. Some days I let myself do that and others, I have to take control and drag my butt up and outside for fresh air and human contact of the non-roomy kind. He indulges me way too much. He’s an enabler. If I wanna just stay home, he says, “Okay”. He works hard and staying home is good for him.

Being the best I can be, means I can’t be what I feel like being, I have to be what I know keeps me going. It means I have to convince myself to get out in the cold and do something even if it doesn’t sound fun. It will be fun. It will make me feel better.  It will help make this day pass because that gets me one day closer to my blooming and shining season. 

Jo