Thursday, September 19, 2013
Drat! It's Coming Again!
Here it comes. Ready or not. And I'm not.
I'm never ready for Fall. My flowers are wilting or have already died. The humming birds are feeding ferociously to gain strength for their long flights. I will miss them. The days are cooler, though we've had a good bit of sunshine so far. The nights are cold. Like me. Fall makes me cold.
I spend a good deal of time in September looking for something to make me laugh. Looking for something to occupy my mind because if I don't, nothing occupies my mind or my heart. If I don't find joy by actively looking for it, it eludes me.
I find all of this odd. I am a joyful person. I choose happiness. I choose smiles over tears. I choose love over loneliness. Yet...in the fall, I cannot make those choices. They are not available to me. I am preparing for the bleakness of winter, I guess. I really don't know why this happens. I really cannot stop it. I cannot control my head or my heart in the fall. I want to embrace the bright colors, the comfortable temperatures, the holidays coming up. But I don't. I don't.
The part that really bothers me is that in the past the thought of the holidays would bring me such joy that I could actually limit the lows by concentrating and getting ready for Thanksgiving and Christmas and my own birthday. That doesn't work anymore because those days are still joyful and joy filled, but it's only the day. Not the season anymore. Not the idea of family it used to bring to mind, though I do dwell on the memories of those awesome times. Not being one to live in the past, this is one exception and one time when I allow myself to not only look back, but also to willingly bring those days to the forefront of my mind. Those days make me smile, make me warm and make me yearn all at the same time. The good and the bad.
Aging is hard sometimes. It's also wonderful sometimes. I have decided for me, at least, that aging is much more about looking ahead than looking back. I have decided that aging is decisions made for you that you would not have chosen, but must accept. Children grown into adults raising their own children have their own ideas of what they want their life to be. They have their own plans. Aging means you have to let go, again. You have to accept what they need for their families and try to fit yourself into their needs. Aging means you are changing, even when you don't want change. It's hard, it's life.
Here's the rub. I'm sad. I'm unmotivated. I'm not enjoying my life. I am enjoying moments of my life. I am enjoying talking with the kids and their kids. I am enjoying having time for Momma and my friends. I am enjoying having no pressure on me to produce or to perform. I like the freedom of aging. The freedom that allows me to just do what I want, when I want except when Momma needs me. I am working very hard right now to ignore fall and ignore the heaviness in my being. I am focusing on enjoying more and more moments until they equal my life again. The moments really are your life, you know?
I am very grateful for my friends, my supportive group of family and friends and of course, for the man who puts up with all this moodiness and has zero understanding of any of it. He was definitely sent to me.