As I sit looking out my window, the gloom, the rain, the gray are creating a dismal and depressing scene. In years past this would be a curl up with a book or old movies day. I would not have attempted to accomplish anything because my energy level and my motivation wouldn't have supported me had I tried.
When I was working, I didn't have that choice. I had a job to do and people who counted on me to be present both physically and mentally. I became a fairly competent actress and put on my smile and a little extra make-up and threw myself into being creative for my clients.
For years I did this. Week-ends and nights were for my self-indulgent SAD declines. I survived and I learned nothing from that until this summer. I began to research and study SAD treatments and testimonials and I realized I had the answer, maybe, for all those years and didn't even see it.
I "acted" fine for 40 to 60 hours a week for many years! Inside I didn't really feel fine, but I was. I was functioning, laughing, eating, drinking and being me! Then when the pressure was off, I would remove the mask and allow the darkness to engulf me. Why? Why would I do that when obviously I didn't have to? It was easier. Not better, but easier.
So with September 2013 being a fairly lovely and bright month, I had no symptoms. The first two weeks of October were like summer extension! I floated through the first 6 weeks of what is historically a very unhappy time for me. Not even a twinge of emptiness during a two day rain because I was still filled with the solar energy of the late summer.
Then it came on overnight. I awoke in the third week of October with a heaviness and a dread with no explanation and no awareness. This happens sometimes, I am just living it, not even realizing I'm a bit absent. I will over-react, I will be very negative, I will be cold. In hindsight, I will see it, but in the moment, I likely will not.
About a week in I became vividly aware and immediately started my new program of mental control and inspiration. I began to visualize and pull myself out. I began to act.
October is gone and I have 2 months gone. I am walking easily so far, 6 days into November. Yes, nearly a week into the third month and even this dreary horrid weather day is just another day. I am alive, I am blessed in dozens of ways and I am writing and acting my way through!
I do love the sunshine and I do get motivation from the bright blue skies, but I can also act my way through this with the right tools. Lists to refer to, motivation. Inspirational posts, for gratitude and of course, pictures of my family to inspire success.
One more day behind me...one moment at a time I will welcome the spring without having to drag myself over that finish line.
Sunshine in my soul.