On this day in 2011, I wrote on this subject. I wrote how I don't spend my life longing for things past nor for future things. I wrote how I visit my memories and dream my dreams, but I live in the now. I do.
Today, however, I am not that same person.
Life changes us and my life has drastically changed me in the last four years. Then I lived in Michigan. I had two furbabies and my momma lived 2 miles down the road. I took care of their needs and I worked a couple days a week in the salon. My Roomy worked full time and we were busy people with good lives.
Four years. What a difference such a short time can make. We now live in Florida with one surviving furbaby and Momma has been gone for a week shy of a year. Sadie has been gone a week shy of 8 months. We have been in our new home a little more than a week shy of 8 months. The few months following the death of Momma and again or still following Sadie's death, I longed. I longed for the ache to leave me. I longed for the happiness of how blessed I still was to be enough. I longed for a time of peace that didn't hurt. That time has finally come.
I do not long for things past. I miss them, I remember with love and appreciation all things past and all the loves I've been blessed with, but I don't long for those days because it would only bring darkness into my day. I am where I am meant to be and I am the person I am meant to be. I am, once again, in the Light. I am a blessing to some and a source of irritation to others. A curse, if you will.
The person I am now is not as grounded. I am not as useful to anyone. I don't really have a purpose now. I have a life. I take our senior pup, Jake to the Doc as needed and make sure he has what medication makes him pain free and able to function and be a happy boy. Then I look at my children and grandchildren and I know that they were and are my real reason for being. I was given life to honor my parents, siblings and give birth to extraordinary people who gave birth to more extraordinary people. Maybe one of them will be President one day. Maybe one will inherit my ability to love without conditions. Maybe they all will.
The heartaches I've endured have been to teach me humility and gratitude. Lessons I have learned and live comfortably with now. I am nothing special and the world will go on just fine when I am gone, but I am loved by enough people that I will be missed and remembered. The sound of my voice is still comforting to some and my ear for listening and maybe sharing encouragement is still requested. That's who I am now. And my writings will keep me alive for those who come after I have moved on.
I am also a voice for the four legged house pets people take in and then drop off at the shelters or neighborhoods because they are too much trouble or expense. I advocate with my writing and my actions for furbabies to be family and loved and IN your home with the rest of your family. I preach good nutrition and not grocery store dog/cat food. Homemade or high quality food made in the US under controlled conditions, purchased through independent pet stores or online from the sources. Your babies are worth it and their health is all you can give them besides love and shelter.
So longing? No, I don't have time for that. I'm too busy now with retirement and finding out what I want to do with the rest of my days. I may just spend them enjoying the fruits of my labor, but I will for certain not be spending them longing for something I cannot have or already had.
Four years later I am still longing only to live.