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Saturday, April 28, 2012

MY STORY

Born to Donald and Dorothy Settle on December 26, 1949 I was the third child and second daughter. As the final addition to this family I would forever be the baby girl. I was born in Martins Ferry, Ohio and moved to Highland, Michigan in 1955. Our next move was to Gaines in 1958 and I attended the Gaines School until it was annexed with a larger nearby school in 1962. I graduated from Swartz Creek High School in 1967 at the age of 17.

The fall of '67 I married the boy I had dated on and off all through high school and together over the next 10 years we bought a home and had 2 children, Jayne and John. For 7 of those years we were quite happy and had a fairly normal life and very few problems. Then the bottom fell out and the life I thought I would have 'til death do us part' ended. I took the kids and moved out of our home and into a borrowed house of an old family friend who conveniently enough wasn't using it at that time. 

I was making $60.00 a week. I found a mobile home in a park to rent for $180 a month. Yep, 3 full checks to pay the rent and one to pay everything else. There would be no support for 2 years. For 2 years I would manage, barely, to provide for my kids and myself with the help of some friends who dropped off bags of food from time to time and by adding to my own income. The food  was so appreciated and if there were snacks of any kind, it was like a holiday for them. 

I tried to find a second job that could pull us up a little but not interfere with the full time job I was already working. My boss offered me a second shift. No overtime would be paid, but I could punch in on a separate time card and get two checks. Legal? Nope. The second check would not be a payroll check and would not be taxed. I took it. I would be working a day shift Monday thru Friday. I would also be working the closing shift Tuesday through Saturday and have Sundays off with the kids. I had a high school neighbor who babysat and somehow, it worked. I came home for dinner with them all everyday and then back to work. Saturday I didn't go in until 6 p.m. so we had all day together. Monday night, of course I was home with them. 

I can't say it was a good time. I can say it was maybe the most important time in my life. This was the time that I learned who I am. This is the time that my children learned what matters. We all became different people during this time because we had to. We had to make do with what we had and we did. I suffered from an eating disorder which I apparently developed by working a lot and not eating the food I bought for the kids. I didn't really know that I wasn't eating, but I wasn't. Unlike normal people, I don't ever feel hunger. I eat because it is time to eat or because something sounds good to me (I do like food) or because I am cooking for someone else. I eat because I know I need to fuel my body in order to be a healthy human. When I was under the stress of trying to provide a good life for my family on less money than I had ever done in the past, by myself, I forgot to make myself eat. Maybe I subconsciously didn't want to take the food from the kids, maybe I just didn't think about it, I don't know. But it became an issue and for nearly a year I had to battle my way back to being a normalish eater. That taught me a great deal. It taught me that there is such a thing as too thin and I was there. It taught me that taking care of me was vital to being able to take care of my babies. It taught me that I was not invincible and my children needed me to be strong and healthy. And we all survived. We all came out considerably more capable and appreciative.   

It also taught us all that family is what matters. That 'things' are temporary and love is eternal. We learned to value each other and depend on each other. Today as adults I see them depend on each other and still on me for the support they expect from no one else in their lives. I want them to develop that with their partners and their own children, I am certain they will if they haven't already. That isn't something an outsider can see. I am now an outsider. I don't live with them and I am only included in what they choose to include me. I'm good with that. I want them to live their own lives and never forget who will always give them unconditional love. I want them to know that their families are also my heart. Whatever they need or want from me will always be theirs for the asking. That's what moms do. That's who moms are. 

I married Roomy in 1982 and inherited 4 children with that wedding. He and his first wife had a son, a daughter and then twins, a boy and a girl.  So along with him co-parenting my 2 who were 12 and 13, we also now co-parented his twins who were 12. The older two were 18 and 20 so their parenting was pretty much over. I did inherit all four, but parented part-time only the twins. 

In the years following our wedding we worked very diligently building a blended family. It was wonderful for several years. Again, the bottom fell out and I have always believed it was me who caused the problem, but I am not aware of what the problem actually was. The two girls just cut us out. We were no longer any part of their lives and their children would not even know us. We would miss out on the lives of 4 of our grand children and to this day, do not understand why or how it all happened. Communication did not happen between us so no answers could be given. I can tell you that my heart was broken and Roomy was at a loss. His girls were just gone. Not interested in him. They didn't want him in their lives. I don't know even now how he handled this as well as he did. We talked so much about what we might be able to do to fix this, but no calls were answered and no messages were acknowledged or returned. We actually showed up at one of their house one day and no one answered the door. Both cars were home.
We took the hint and never reached out again. It still makes me very sad to remember or retell this story. But it is part of our history and part of why we hold the four remaining children at an arms length so as not to interfere in their lives, but still remind them how much we love them and want to be with them often.

So now here we are in 2012 with our oldest son living in Tennessee, his daughter living an hour away from us with her husband. Our daughter living in Tennessee with her fiance and her two daughters and our other 2 boys living a half an hour away from us in opposite directions, one with his wife and 3 daughters and one with his wife and son and daughter. We also have 2 step-granddaughters from our daughter's first marriage. Total to date....9 granddaughters and 1 grandson.  More to come?  Who knows?

Jo


22 comments:

  1. Not an easy story to tell, I am sure, but was is great is that you are not bitter, you are just you, a loving and caring mom and granma. I truly respect your approach Jo!

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    1. Thank you Claudia. I appreciate hearing that and you are correct, it isn't a story I even think about too often. I love my family and I appreciate everything they bring to my life; that's a blessing I cannot even explain. ♥

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  2. I love strong women and you Jo are a marvel. I like your attitude, cause no matter what the lesson, the trial, the upbringing, there is always one who percieves the event differently. I bet all your children feel your love and support.

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    1. Of course this story is not complete...there is a huge chapter I left out and might do that one alone one day, but for now, here's a glimpse of a little bit of why I am who I am.
      I pray daily that my loved all know that when I say I love you, I mean with everything I am.

      Thank you for your warmth and encouragement. I am not an exceptional woman, I am just a woman.

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  3. You do open up when you talk of your past. Enjoy it, parts are sad but the story is good.

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    1. There so so much more ... I find it therapeutic to write and share bits and pieces and I may do more of this, but for today, this will do.
      Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate your constant support.

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  4. Having a child walk walk away is heartbreaking. As you know, I do understand this. The other thing I understand is that no matter what, life goes on and beauty and happiness are still abundant.

    You said something above about the two daughters who walked away. "I have always believed it was me who caused the problem, but I am not aware of what the problem actually was." I'm not sure if you still hold that belief and of course, I don't know the intimate details of your family's dynamics, but I do know one thing. They walked away and didn't even bother to provide a reason. They left not just you, but their father, too. I think that says far more about them than it does about you, especially since you don't know what the problem was. Had there been ongoing discourse or a blow-out event, that might be different, but for them to simply leave the family--permanently and wordlessly--is disrespectful and selfish. The very least they could have done was to talk to their dad and provide him with some sort of closure.

    Okay, enough about those who've left.

    For right now, my children and grandchildren are all two minutes from us. All bought houses right in town and I'm beyond spoiled in being able to be part of their everyday lives. I know that will be changing soon, and it makes me ache a little to think about it. One will live here, one will not. We will make the move, but not without lots and lots of tears.

    Both kids are doing very well for themselves. They have happy marriages, good jobs, are fully self-sufficient, and are raising good kids. We're lucky in that they want us in their lives, but don't need us.

    Life is good.

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    1. Thank you first and foremost, I know you understand and share the loss as well as the need to move on. I cannot explain why I know it was me except to say that their father has never done anything they couldn't forgive and I am the step-mom, dispensable. The heartbreak is that they disposed of him, too. BUT we have moved on and while keeping them in our prayers, they are nowhere else in our lives. It is at it is supposed to be, I live with that belief and it helps.
      You are going to miss the ones that aren't with you and I suspect you will have the best of intentions of spending tons of time going back and forth, but life doesn't make that easy and eventually, with age, you will not do that and with their busy lives, they will not do that. It is difficult to have your children so far away, but comforting to know that they are able to live without us yet will reach out and pull us close when our support or hand holding is needed. It's something.
      And the tears, they sometimes come for absolutely no reason at all except I just miss my babies.

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  5. Jo - I so enjoyed reading this post and truly admire your honesty -- you just lay it all out there. I guess we all go through natural and necessary transitions with our families. Right now, mine is that Sam is growing up and out into the world -- a place I always hoped he would be successful enough to achieve. It's different than what you've experienced, but still one of those experiences that leaves a little gap: what was vs. the new order of things.

    You are truly a strong, determined woman. I say that those kids are truly losing out -- whatever their beef -- by not opening their doors to you. Thanks for such a powerful post...Denine

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    1. Thank you Denine, I appreciate this support, but I am not a special woman. I am just a mom and wife who did the best she could and it wasn't what the two of them wanted or needed so they chose to walk away. I'm sorry for that, but have managed to maintain what family chose to stay close to us and I am grateful.
      Having them grow and move on with their own lives is a bit difficult but it is also my own source of tremendous pride. Afterall, I spent years raising them to be independent and successful humans and that is exactly what they are.

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  6. It takes a good deal of courage to share a journey and I'm honored to have been able to read it and to see the bonds, love, and changes that you've felt and expressed. I also feel that one has a right to walk away, but with that right comes the responsibility to own that action and to voice the reason why. It's unimaginable to me to have someone leave my life and never speak to me about it. Bless yours and Roomys grace and the relationships you have with the rest of your family. The other two obviously don't know what they are missing.

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    1. Thank you Amy (fished out of spam) it's only a small section of 62 years of life and love and happy and hurt. I have always felt they would have been better served to have faced whatever this big deal was and share it with the offender(s) but with that action is the chance that repairs could have been made and I do not think that was a chance they wanted to take. Better and less complicated to just erase us. And they did, they also erased MY two children, but maintained some relationship with one of their brothers and a good one with the other. Very complicated if you ask me! I like a simpler life and drama is not something I embrace.
      I have learned to accept people who add to my life and move away from those who subtract, so that's where I am now.

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  7. I could feel the pangs of your life though you words. I could sense the good and pad times. There is a saying that comes to my mind now, "Life is Shit and then we die"

    You faced your problems well. Life a times just takes us and carries us away to places we really do not want to go.

    I know from experience. You are strong and one of the best things I did one day, online, was to meet you Or I would not be here, on this site, today. Thank you!!!

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    1. Thank you Sondra. I think there are many things I could have done better throughout my life, but it is what it is now and I make it work. I have had some pretty tough choices to make and some of them did not bring me what I hoped to have, but some did so ... ya win some, ya lose some and sometimes ya get rained out. :)
      Glad you're doing better!
      :)

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  8. An amazing story, Jo, and so sad too about the girls. They are losing so much at not having you in their lives. Whatever reason made them decide to alienate themselves from you and their father, I fully beliebe that one day they will regret it deeply.

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    1. Maybe Paula, but it isn't something I spend a lot of time thinking about. Live your own life. Thanks for the thought and I hope for their father's sake, they don't stay away from him forever. He's a good man.

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  9. Jo, you have so much guts. I can only hope to aspire to be even a little bit like you in the course of my life. What a hard life you have had and how triumphant you are. I will always feel extremely blessed to know you and count you as a dear friend.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. Really my life has had many more great years than heartbreak and I am always grateful for that fact. I am also aware that I am nothing super rather a woman who did what needed to be done to survive and ultimately thrive. Life balances itself if given time and enough faith. I wrote this in hopes of encouraging a struggling mom who might think she can't make it. She can and knowing that I did could help her through one more day. Week. Month. <3

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  10. Wow! You sure shared a lot that was deep and personal. It seems as if everyone has their own struggles be them financial or the internal demons, yet somehow we overcome. Where in Tennessee do your family members live? We are in Memphis.

    Catch My Words
    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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    1. Our daughter is in Nashville and our oldest son is on Dickson. I hope this brief and partial story might encourage someone who feels the weight of the world resting solely on them might see there is light at the end and character to be built from the difficult times. I felt very alone through much of this travel and I think had I been more aware how many we're doing the same it might have held me up . Yes everyone has something in their life to deal with and none of us are alone. <3

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  11. Oh, Jo what a brave story. My daughter and I are going through that now, she and her husband and our three grandchildren live several states away. We went through the calls not answered, etc. You always appear so happy in your writing and online. How great that you've kept that spirit through it all. (BTW we're born in the same year so I know how young you were in 1967 it was a crazy time.
    Pam

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    1. Pam, I don't know if you mean your daughter is pulling away or her children are...I assume you mean your daughter, it's a heartbreak, no question, but as I have said many times, we raise them to be independent and then get hurt because they are independent adults. Moms always need to be needed and there is no way to completely get rid of that. Mothering is a lifetime job, even if they don't want us.
      I maintain my optimism because I very simply choose to be happy about all the wonderful things and people in my life and those who have chosen not to be in my life, I pray for their good health and happy hearts. I have no better choice.

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