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Monday, August 3, 2015

SUNDAY AFTERNOON THOUGHTS

It's sunny and it's warm and there's a nice breeze. I should be so happy today. It's my perfect kind of day and I am in Florida in the house that screamed "Home" to us when we first walked through last November. This is the life I have thought of and dreamed of for so many years and it is now MY LIFE everyday. But today, it's just not enough.

I can't shake the heaviness today. It's August 2. Oldest son's birthday and he is in Tennessee. The other boy's birthdays will be here shortly and they are in Michigan. Then the grandkids birthdays start again. We have already missed four of them. Two of them are in Seattle, so we're used to missing those. The other four will all happen from September to November and we'll miss those, too.

That's part of the heaviness. The rest is harder to fix. Eventually we may be able to be at all the birthdays or at the very least visit each family for one of them alternating each year.

Today I pulled out a bunch of paperwork that previously I didn't want to take the time to go through. Some was ours and some was from Momma's move from the apartment to our house. I had put it all in an easy to access spot for sorting one day and today was that day.

I found insurance papers I had forgotten about for this house. Reminding me that both house and car will be due in December for 
renewal. UGH  I found pictures that were Momma's and I had put them in an envelope when I packed that sort of thing to move her. Other pics were in that envelope that I don't even remember seeing for years. Don't know when they were stuck in there or maybe they were already in there and I added the rest? Who knows. But I enjoyed seeing them and remembering.

I also found a big bag of cards. I am not a card saver. I didn't think  was, but apparently over the years I have saved a few. I read every one and cried over the memory of most. Many were from Momma. With handwritten thank you, love you so much, how do you do it all, what would I do without you...messages. The cards were mostly mushy and lovingly chosen. I was with her as she bought cards and each one was selected with love and lots of attention to the message. Sometimes funny and sometimes just so perfectly worded it was as though she ordered them. I became lost in my own past. I stayed lost for a few hours. I saved each of these cards because I won't ever get another one. I was lost in all that I lost. I was lost in all that I had and for a few minutes, I had her back. I was one with her thoughts. I could see her signing and sealing each one and then running her hand over the front, which had the name of the recipient, with a sort of hug. I saw her do this so many times. I was completely transported to the time when she still was.

 I miss her every day. She walks through my mind every day. My thoughts are never far from "when" or "that day" or "she said" or "she needs" or "guess what she did?" My life is so different now. My days are not structured by any means. I'm not a routine person anymore. Sometimes I don't even get groceries; I just pick up what I need and do it again a couple days later. I used to have a laundry day or days, now I do laundry when my basket is full. I seldom even know what day it is and I don't care because they're all the same.

So for those of you who thought I was really doing well with my grief, I am, usually. I am almost always reasonably happy and managing each day with joy. However, these days, like today, I am a mess and I am truly lost in my own pain and sorrow. I believed I would be much stronger by now, 11 months next week, and maybe even smiling all the time I think of her. I want that. She is smile worthy. Her memory and her affect on my life is smile worthy. But the pain is still in control. The days that I miss her the most are just there when I wake up and seem to stay for a couple of days. Again, I've said this so often, the depth of pain might equal the depth of love. 

Rest easy Momma, I'll get this under control one day at a time. I miss you and will carry you in my heart always. There is no other way.

Jo


8 comments:

  1. Sorry you're having a tough day. Grief is like that and can be overwhelming at times. Eleven months isn't much when it comes to losing someone, especially someone as close as your own mother. Good you were able to lose yourself in the cards and enjoy the memories of your mom again. As for seeing your kids and grandkids, that's another toughie but I'm sure you work it out somehow. My parents live 1000 miles away in Cape Breton and don't travel much anymore so I try to see them once a year. It would be nice to do more but that's what we manage and we're grateful for that, especially with the boys becoming adults with such busy schedules.

    Your family probably loves to come see you in the winter when they're having all the snow. I know I would be doing that if I had family in Florida.

    Take care, Jo. Hugs.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. It's hanging on and I'm working through it. I always do.
      I hope as our grandkids get older there will be more visits, but who knows.

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  2. Yes, yes and yes. Even though my kids are only two hours away, I feel like I'm so uninvolved in so many things.
    I miss my Mom, my cofidante, my encourager and the one who loved me with no reservations
    As for the loneliness, that goes with the move
    As you know, we've a lot
    It takes at least a year to begin to really get used to even though you know/believe you're where you're supposed to be.
    You'll never get over the pain of losing your Mom, don't even try. The kid situation will eventually work itself out and you will make good friends to fill the void.
    Be blessed my friend during this difficult week. I'm thinking of you. Velda

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  3. I was here but I cannot write right now. Tears have taken over me with your words.
    Thanks Jo We all miss someone don't we?

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    Replies
    1. We do. Thank you for reading and being so compassionate.

      Delete
  4. It has been 22 years since my mom passed away and I can honestly say that things are much better after all this time has passed but every once in a while I will see something, a movie, or hear a song, or have to endure something, or a major milestone happens and I want my mom so bad I can't stand it. I have a good sobbing cry, and then I go on and am better. 11 months? I was still a complete grief stricken basket case years after my mom died. You don't have to apologize to anyone or explain yourself to anyone. Grieve. She was a major part of your life and even though she is gone she always will be. Cherish her memory and hold it close to your heart forever. And on the days when the loss overcomes you, cry. It's perfectly ok!

    ReplyDelete
  5. It has been 22 years since my mom passed away and I can honestly say that things are much better after all this time has passed but every once in a while I will see something, a movie, or hear a song, or have to endure something, or a major milestone happens and I want my mom so bad I can't stand it. I have a good sobbing cry, and then I go on and am better. 11 months? I was still a complete grief stricken basket case years after my mom died. You don't have to apologize to anyone or explain yourself to anyone. Grieve. She was a major part of your life and even though she is gone she always will be. Cherish her memory and hold it close to your heart forever. And on the days when the loss overcomes you, cry. It's perfectly ok!

    ReplyDelete

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