GBE #3. letter to 13 year old Jo Dear Jo, 1963 edition: I want you to remember just a few things as you move forward to highschool. 1) you really are enough, just as you are. 2) life will never be fair, but you must be. 3) tough times create tough girls. 4) live all your moments, good and bad in faith. That is it. If you live in those guidelines, you will be all you were made to be and no one can be more than that.b>

TIME

GBE#2 TIME. My one commodity of which i have plenty is, time. I am not a busy person nor to I want to be. when I have a project to do, I like having my own time line, an hour here and there or maybe a day or two of buckling down and gettin' 'er done. Either way, it's entirely up to me. Retirement took me awhile to get used to. I had always been a person who just had ti fill every weekend with chores that I didn't have time for during the work week. I'm not her anymore. I enjoy doing what I'm capable of doing to keep the homestead in good repair and clean. I very much enjoy doing so at my leisure because I live in Florida, east coast, and it's very hot here from April through November usually. so working slowly and taking a lot of breaks is necessary and makes the chore go better. Having explained allof that...I also love lounging. I'm a crossword, find a word, make a word, puzzle building computer girl. Computer games can fill my whole day and I'm good with that, sometimes. I also enjoy Bingo, cards with my tribe and an occassional dinner out with the ladies ofour community and friends. Time, I have plenty and it is one of the things I am most grateful to have, I don't have to work,not yet anyway. It could happen if prices donkt soon begin to level out.

Alone and lost in my loss

I lost my husband of 40 years in May of 2022. After 8 weeks of hospitalization and an emotional roller coaster of good news, not much improvement, looking good again...his kidneys finally just stopped and he began the process of leaving us with relief and peace. I could see that in his face. Felt it in the firmness with which he held my hand. When he could speak, he was loving and asking me to please let him go. I promised to do so when he was called home. Told him we would all be ok and would look after each other. Told him he could go in peace, because his work here was done. Told him I would miss him until we joined hands again. Hoping beyond measure that it would be sooner rather than later. I meant every word. I believed we would be okay, the kids, the grands and myself. None of us will ever really be okay again. His loss was much bigger than I allowed myself to believe. Bigger than any of us realized until it was real. The result of all of this is that I now want to pull back from everyone I love because I don't want to cause anyone else this kind of empty existence. This kind of pain. No purpose because my purpose is gone. No future because there is nothing left that I can do. The things I'd like to do, I can't possibly afford. The things I could do, I have no interest in really. So I fill my time by doing the household chores that we used to share, inside and out. I have to pay someone to do the things I'm not physically capable of doing. I spend a few hours three times a week with my Gal pals, my tribe, playing cards and bingo. I have a cat and a dog that take up a good deal of time. The cat, good and fun time and he is my joy. The dog, senior with multiple special needs and I am not one of his needs. He hates human touch unless he is in a strange place, not our home, then he loves me to hold him and stroke him. Otherwise, he uses all his strenth to push and pull and try to escape my hold on him. I'm always afraid I'll lose my grip and he will fall to his death. Seriously, I am very aware of this possibility because he wiggles and contorts and if he did fall, it would likely cause him to break his neck. He is only 6# of Chihauhua, but he's as strong as any labrador when he needs to escape. So far, 3 years of this,we are both still ok. I love the little mess, but he prefers being alone. This is far from the life I ever wanted or imagined. I hope every day that I dont have to be here many more. I'm ready to go Home and be with my love, my family and friends that have gone before. Life here is now far too empty for me. I know my departure date is set, I'm just hoping it isn't a long way down the road. I am a strong believer and therefore, feel I must have some pupose here that I have not fulfilled. I pray to see that purpose sooner than later so that I may get busy completing my assignment.

GRIEF at 5 months

Today is the five month mark since my husband of 40 years passed and I have been left to learn. Learn what, you might ask. Who I am, now. What I am here to finish. Why I am so lost. Where I should be heading and choices to be made. I'm quite unsure who I am. I am a mother, but my children are grown and living hours away so not much mothering is needed or apparently wanted. However, I can and I am mothering my furbabies. So I've learned I can still do that, although alone is different, its doable. ✔ I believe we stay in this life until we finish our tasks. What mine might be is somewhat of a mystery to me, but I am willing to keep looking for things. It might be a thing or a long list or anything in between. I suppose I will be directed in any case. So I pray I will heed the call.✔️ The feeling of being lost is not new to me, but it is different this time. I was very lost for a short time after we lost Momma. I don't know where or how to find myself. I don't know where to begin. I am comfortable in this home. I am happy in my close friends and aquaintances here in Holiday Village. I belong here, I know. It's more a matter of where in this spot do I fit? I did invite a small group to dinner one time and it was a lot of laughs and a great meal. Yet no one has extended another invitation. I am really not sure at all what i can do to fix this except be patient and keep attending group events, which I have been doing. Time, I suppose.✔ Now where my life goes from here is my biggest question. Some days I just want to be home with the furkids and not even think about anything or anyone else. Then I feel very content, however, I dont want that to be my life. Thats why I attend any group gathering that I can and I enjoy doing that, but always wonder if I fit there anymore. Always. ✔ Last on my list is that my friend, adopted sister, is in another state and ill. She is with her kids and their kids and their kids and her husband is there now, too. I can't go for two reasons. My furkids need to be cared for and that isn't cheap and I am going to spend Thanksgiving with my kids and their kids and I will be paying for furbaby care for that trip. So financially speaking, I can only do one trip and it has to be my kids. We will keep in touch by phone and she knows I love her and am with her in spirit and heart.✔ All in all, I am doing okay, day to day. I get through each day with a fair share of laughter and still tears, at some point. Tears for missing my partner and hugger. Every day I have to say "my" something instead of "our" something. Small thing, I suppose, but still painful. "My" was never in the plans.✔ Pictures...something I am so thankful to have.✔

Grief at 4 months…

My life changed on May 15, 2022 in every conceivable way. My husband, life mate, partner in everything went home to be with our Lord. Eight weeks prior I had days that I feared I was losing him and then days I thought I'd be bringing him home. Never sure under what conditions that homecoming would occur, but still optimistic. Mostly I prayed for His will be done and for us to have the strength and wisdom to adjust to whatever that looked like. I never believed, and still dont, that I should pray for his healing. I believe the book of life is already completed and all things happen as He means for them to happen. So I ask for strength and wisdom and ability to accept. I received a most peaceful feeling for days after he left me; wrapped in the Grace of God, no doubt. I was relieved that his pain was over. That he was at peace and surrounded by so many lost loved ones that we shared. I was jealous. I do not believe I get to choose my last day on earth, but to be honest, I did tell God, "my bags are packed and I'm ready when you call me." I am sitting here now, wondering why I am still here. Really! I mean, my reason for everything I did for the last 40 years, besides being Momma's back-up for anything she needed, is gone. Yes, I have amazing kids and friends and my furbabies, but they have all survived our loss and basically are doing okay. Their lives have not changed except they miss him. They always will, as I will. As I still, 8 years later, miss Momma. They are not, however, living alone. Every day, alone at days begining and ending. People in between to pass time. To laugh with and be normal. That is great, really great. These people are my saving graces. Nothing in my daily life is really right anymore. It's all very different and though not horrible, it's not right. I'm not right. I'm unstable, at best. I feel like my only comfort is found alone at what is now, "my" home. Comfort, but also a deep sense of loss. Loss of the life I loved. The "key" to that life, it seems, wasn't the community, the friends, the weather...we thought it was. The "key" was "US" and this "house" which we made our own. That's what made my life so good. That is gone. It's now my house and my life. I have to find a way for all of this to be right, to be normal. I adopted a kitten, just short of a year old, he turned one in August. I still have special needs, psychotic Beary who doesnt like me particularly, but does need the care I give him. They are very good for me and I'm very happy to have them in my home. I would be lost without my furbabies, for sure. So thank you Lord for leading me to those decisions at the time. I love my babies. My future? I only know that I will do what needs to be done, one way or the other. I will continue to move forward, as best I can and I will continue to try to make Mike proud of my progress moving on with what time I have left. I will continue to try to be a kinder person every day. I will try to be less self-concerned and more about those I might be able to help in some way. That is pretty much where I am four months into my grieving process.

I have been on this earth 69 1/2 yrs. and I've finally decided the following:
I love my body.
Yes, it's softer than it was, but my arms still hug my loved ones with the same warmth and satisfaction as when I didn't have so many true loved ones.
My legs are dimply and wrinkly, but I can still walk where I want to be.
My face looks like the map of Greece, but it's me and in that face I see my momma and a bit of my dad. I see the pain I've survived in the wrinkles and the love I've known in the laugh lines. My face shows my life has not been easy, but I'm here and I like who I've grown to be.
My stomach is not hard and my abs have gone into retirement. That tummy stretched out to 52" to house my babies and somehow went back to semi-acceptable size now 50 years later. I'm ok with that.
My feet are healthy and anxious to do my biding.
My eyes have never been perfect, but post-cataract surgery, 20/20 distance and reading glasses power 2 are the best I've ever had! I SEE beauty all around. I also see evil. I know the difference.
I am blessed to be half way through my 70th year and still,
of relatively sound mind.
That last one may be debatable, I'll give you that one.
Age is a number. Mine is big and therefore, my herstory is full of having lived. It's a wonderful thing.

There was a time, not long ago, that I thought I was a nice person. I thought of others before myself. I knew I was a giver and a fixer, by nature. It was always difficult for me to be the receiver, even though I was in need and did accept help from time to time.  It was never easy, appreciated, but not comfortable. Somehow, those years formed a strong need to help when and where I could and allow the recipient to feel good about letting me do so.

Im not that person now. I'm sorry that I lost her. She was loved and she had friends, lots of them. There were very few around her that didn't speak kindly of her.

That isn't true now. The person I've become is not concerned with being nice.

I do have wonderful friends. People I love and care about and enjoy. But I also have people around me now that don't like me. That call me bossy, mean and accuse me of ruining everything since I moved here.  Other people thank me for trying to improve and listen to the membership. Thank me for thinking outside the box. I understand that's life when you're in a leadership role. What I don't understand is gossiping behind one's back and smiling to one's face. The membership did grow under my leadership because I had much help from members. People just waiting to be included, invited to assist or take charge of something.

Having said all of that, I finally resigned and now see, hear and feel a very heavy weight from those who cheered my leaving the volunteer position that they told me no one wanted. I know why now. It's very hard to be disliked, disrespected and to continue to try to mend the split community. Reaching out and not trusting the hand reaching back. Knowing those relationships are superficial. Knowing I am not the nice and honest to a fault person that I used to be. I don't belong anywhere any more. I don't even know if I like me anymore.  I wonder how my friends have been able to embrace me. I wonder why they would want to do that.

Bullying. I am talking about adult bullying from behind your back. While you think it's a few people, with which you can deal, you learn they've spread their opinion of you as fact to many others. Those others believe them. They don't know. Yep, it's jr high school at the retirement village and I'm the target 🎯.