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Sunday, March 11, 2012

The Wandering Mind is Sorting Today

Just gotta clear my head of some wandering, yet troublesome thinking. You may click out now if you'd like because honestly this one is really about sorting my brain compartments and maybe the worse piece of crap I have ever published. Or it may be brilliant. Not likely, but possible.


I met a child, really, online playing Literati in Yahoo Games several years ago. I had been playing that scrabble-type game for many months when she first joined to watch one of my games in progress. I welcomed her to the room and she said very little. The chat box was fairly empty at the end of that game and I invited her to sit and play. She passed saying she had things she needed to get done, but asked if she could look me up another time for a game. I had no idea who she was, where she was, her age, her intellect nor her intentions.


The next night she did in fact, find me and ask to join my game when the one I was playing ended. I agreed. We started to get acquainted through the chat box and the game took a long time to play. We actually talked more than we played and I closed the room to other players or viewers so we could talk privately. She told me a bit about herself. She lived in Oahu, Hawaii and was a high school student. She had recently moved in with her brother because her step-mother had not wanted her in her home. She didn't give many details, though I asked. She was stingy with details but gave me enough information to know she had some issues and I thought she was in need of an ear. I had two of them, so I lent them. She told me English was her second language and playing scrabble or any other word game, helped her learn more and feel more confident. She was of Mexican and Hawaiian decent. Her first language was Spanish and her Hawaiian was fluent, she felt her English was adequate, but needed more development. She asked the definition of a lot of the words used in scrabble. Some were easy enough and some I would look up and dumb down the definition for her. It was a fun way to spend a few hours each night.

Yes, each night. She and I talked and played for a few hours almost every night for over 4 years. She became my very dear and very close online "granddaughter". I can tell you, I loved this girl. She sent me drawings that she had done and they hang framed in my office still.

My kids were and are, very skeptical that she was real or anything like what she said she was. They think it was just someone messing with me and ultimately hurting me. I will never know. I will never think she was anything less than I believed at the time and I have absolutely no reason to hold on to those beliefs. I just do. If the kids are right and she never was, I loved and cherished the girl I believed she was. If I was right, I lost a valuable and precious friend.

To summarize, I learned and lived her life with her for the four plus years that she was able to type and communicate with me. She was as real as any friend I have ever known. I cried many nights with her and for her and I prayed for her, always.


I chatted with her boyfriend, eventually husband, and became friends with him also. I liked him a lot and as she grew sicker and sicker, I talked with him even more.  When she was gone, we continued to talk. I sent him the first draft of the story the day after I finished it. He gave me his blessing to continue with it and publish it, if I wished, and assured me she would have loved that I did this.


He has disappeared from my life now. He remarried a couple years after she passed and he kept in contact with me until that marriage dissolved and I cannot find him. I have reached out to him over and over and get nothing in return. This could tell me something. It could mean he doesn't want me in his life for any number of reasons or that he made the whole thing up for over 7 years and is tired of the game. I will never know, unless he contacts me at some point. I have no address or phone number for him only email, which is now closed and the yahoo messaging we used to use returns nothing to me.

My book, The Island Princess, is all about this girl and her family and my relationship with her. She called me "Abuelita" which I believe is Spanish for "Grandma" or more literally "Little Grandmother" and is used as a more endearing form of Grandmother. Perhaps like we might say, Grammy or Nana or any of the other names we use for the Grandma that is special.  


My problem now is that I have decided to re-write parts of the book and republish it. Good decision because although I love the story as it was, I think it could be better. I asked someone I respect a great deal to be honest with me about the book and she was. I thought about what she said and mulled it around and reread the book and aside from the fact that I may have accidentally published the draft version, rather than the edited one, which I did, it could be told better. The story is a great one. The telling could be improved. I took her ideas and put them in my brain and started earnestly to make the changes. I haven't gotten very far. I keep stopping to cry or remember or just evaluate what I want the reader to see as I am writing. 


I have discovered that I cannot think about the reader as I write. It stops me in my tracks. I keep thinking, "I can't tell this story. It's too close. It's too painful. It's too hard. I can only tell it the way I originally did. I can't change the format. I can't think of who's reading. I can only tell the story as it was told to me."  I realize now that whether this story ever gets its due, meaning someone out there reads it and is moved, or not, it is finished. I cannot rewrite this particular story. I am cleaning it up. Removing some errors. I will do what I feel good about doing, but this story is not mine to change or embellish. It is her story whether she ever existed or not. It is my job to share it as she shared it with me. 


So my head is all full now of doubt. I don't know if I have been on the wrong track all along or if I just don't have "it"  or if blog writing is for me and I should just do this and stop with the grandiose thinking...


I wonder if all the people who have encouraged me all these years after reading my manuscripts are just people who are being kind to me because they love or like me a lot. I wonder if the stories I have written are just plain blah. Did I somehow let my loved ones encourage me toward something I am just not capable of doing? 


I know we all work so hard to get just the right words, just the right scene, just the right colors in our work and I'm no different. The truth is, though, that none of that matters if the ability to make the story feel real isn't there. If you don't know and care about the characters, the story doesn't matter. I don't know that I have that ability. I don't know.


I do know, am certain about this one thing, if a writer ASKS you for an opinion on their work, give it. Be honest and kind. It isn't that hard, but it does take a few moments. I suggest you wait to be asked, it will be accepted more openly. I have asked several people and I have only gotten one negative reply. I believe that one showed me more than all the positive ones by making me accept I may have limitations in talent. I may have bitten off more than I can chew and I may have to store the left overs. Perhaps if I freeze them, I'll develop or discover a new recipe that will make them more palpable to others.


Reviews are very helpful and very instructive when they come from honesty and kindness.  Please give both when you are asked.


Jo

33 comments:

  1. Well, I loved the story - not because you are my friend and I wanted to make you "feel" good. I loved it because it made me cry and feel....and I want to believe she existed and came into your life for a reason. You do have a talent...don't doubt it.

    Chele :)

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    1. I think I have a fault or maybe it is good. I always tell the truth, as I did in your article about the Clown. I do notice that all those on here have only good to say about someone else's writing. I guess no one wants to hurt anyone's feelings. Thats good. However, no one is perfect, I make grammar errors and I do not think it should be left as such in an article. I make other minor errors..hey we are all human and would like to please everyone...But like you I also want the truth...not the hurt your feelings truth....not in every article I write ...only the important ones I guess....so I always tell the truth about someone who wants it to become a part of the book.....I liked the story. I could relate to it because I had a similar thing happen to me. I still do not know if the other person was real as she said, or just someone playing with me. I do not know if this would create a good book.....Depends on the rest of it, but it would make a terrific magazine story...because, as you wrote it, there really is no ending....is she dead or was she real, or a part of a gam she was playing....A short story yes.

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    2. @Chele...Thank you for always being there for me and always giving me the positive support of an old and dear friend.
      I write because I love it and it clears my mind. I wrote that story because I was grieving a relationship I cherished. It occurs to me that real or not, she (and/or he) effected me greatly and I miss that very much. So does it really matter if she was or wasn't telling me her story.
      Anyway...I love you for everything you bring to my life and because you are just a loving and caring human. ♥♥♥

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    3. @Sondra...thank you for your honesty and your input. She was real in my heart and the loss of her is just as great as any loss I have suffered, so I guess it doesn't matter. The comments on blogs I have always thought are left by people who did like what they read, otherwise they just read and leave. That's how I see it and that is fine. A book, however, is different. If you are asking people to pay for your work, then it needs to be worth reading. Therefore, an honest feedback is the right thing to do. Right? Say what you think and as an author, we have to sort through what is opinion and what is fact. Then act or not, accordingly. But I'll opt for the truth as the reviewer sees it, every stinkin' time! :)

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  2. I would love to read your book, since I know that you write very well and you are an amazing person,

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    1. The two books on sale right now are on Kindle and Nook only. The Island Princess is available on CD along with the other two.
      The audio versions can be purchased right here on the upper right side of this page.
      The others from the Amazon or Barnes and Noble sites. The Princess will be put up again when I get it the way I want it to be. It'll obviously, be a while.
      Thank you for your kindness.
      Jo

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  3. Your description is compelling and I find that I'm intrigued. --Mike

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    1. Well, perhaps when I re-release it, you might like to go to Kindle or Nook and grab one up! I do have 2 other books there now.
      Beautiful Betsy and Summer in Martinstown.

      Here on this page the Audio versions of all three books can be purchased through pay pal. Upper right side next to the top of the blog.

      Thank you Mike. :)

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  4. Jo, I have read many of your blog posts, and this one was indeed, different. Not necessarily better, or worse, than any other, but it was a part of your heart.

    I have always been the kind of person that wants to see the deep red pen on my papers, stories, poems, etc... From writers, editors, and instructors whose work I admire, or whom I believe to be better than average.

    Placating sucks, and in the end it does not help the writer becomes a stronger writer. It is also important to be constructive when a person is providing criticism so that the writer does not become discouraged.

    Listen to your heart, write for yourself, and in a way that emulates what you like to read. We all have different styles both in writing, and reading. Just do what feels right inside your heart (cuZ it's a good'n).

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    1. I think you're right and I agree with the all the help from good sources being a very good thing.
      I know I can't change the way I write, without giving up who I am, so I need to just work a little harder at making the story worth reading.
      Thank you for you comment and your thoughts. ♥

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  5. I bought "The Island Princess" & The Legacy of the Island Princess. Does that mean one of them is your draft? I read most of Beautiful Betsy before my life got crazy again, but I didn't get to the other 3 books I bought.

    Unlike you, I don't want anyone to critique my work. I write to make me happy...that's all. Here's why: We all have different writing styles and those styles are uniquely our own. You have your own style and I see nothing wrong with it. And I'm not just being "nice". ie: Edgar Allen Poe was a great writer, but I personally think he sucked... Same with poetry - If it doesn't rhyme and have cadence, I hate it. Yet, those who appreciate such, love it. We are all different. I would hate for you to try to mold yourself into what some other person thinks you should be. Just be YOU and enjoy your writing.

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    1. The Kindle version is not the finished one. I will send you a free copy of the updated and correct one when they are available, if I can figure out how to get that accomplished. I have been told that I can do that. (Issue GC for free downloads) Nook offers the same, apparently. The one you bought has not been edited for spelling or grammar errors, it is difficult to read on my Kindle because it isn't formatted correctly. It has blank pages and it's just hard to read. If you want to wait, I will make sure you get the corrected one. It's only the original first half, the Legacy seems to be all right, but I pulled both off because the second is useless without the background. I'm sorry I didn't tell you directly, I should have. I posted it on my author's page and on my own page.

      As far as changing my writing style, I can't apparently and wouldn't really want to do that. I just want her story to be her story and done as well as I am capable of doing it.♥

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  6. I often have the same thoughts about my writing as you are having. I go back and forth about it a lot, sometimes I believe the positive feedback and others, I wonder.

    Writing can be done by anyone who knows how to read, write and structure sentences and paragraphs. Story-telling can't be done by everyone...it takes a lot of talent to create a world on pages. A world that the reader can taste, touch, smell, hear and see even though they are flipping paper. Some writers can't be story-tellers. We all have our talents, some people are still figuring theirs out. If (and I'm not agreeing or disagreeing) it turns out that your talent lies elsewhere, don't let it get you down. There are plenty of things that I would love to be good at; singing for one, I suck at singing but I love doing it. The fact that I can't sing is not going to stop me altogether, I'll never be on the radio but I'm still going to rock out while I'm cleaning or taking a road trip.

    Some people are excellent with grammar, vocabulary and such but can't paint a picture with their words, they can't attract a reader and pull them into the world they've created. There are also some wonderful writers who have received plenty of negative feedback. It's all in how you use the feedback. If the talent is there, the potential is there. You have to give it your absolute best effort and work your fingers off and then work them some more. If it is something that you want with all of your heart, something that you believe in with all of your soul, then keep working at it. You have to look at the type of feedback you are getting, some are just opinions. Take the constructive criticism and use that to work on what needs to be worked on.

    I haven't read any of your books and I'm no expert to offer any expert advice. Just keep in mind, opinions are opinions and not everyone is going to have the same ones. If it is a grammar issue or any other technical issue, then that can easily be worked on.

    Most importantly, if you love writing, don't stop.

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    1. I love that you cared enough to be so thorough with your comment. I think you have shown me tremendous respect and love with your thoughts and I so appreciate that.
      I didn't mean for this post to bring out a bunch of compliments or even to encourage me to write or give it up! I wrote it to sort out my own thoughts and I think it worked. I know that I cannot write to anyone's standards, BUT what I can do is write cleaner and to quote a friend, "show the story more than tell it". I am capable of that, I think, but maybe not with this particular story. I think I'm okay with that.
      And as far as opinions are opinions go, well, if the majority of opinions say, "Nope that isn't good." that book isn't gonna sell and future books won't either. So they do matter and they can help me form my next one. And there will be a next one.
      Thank you so much for taking the time and giving me all your support and help.
      You are a good friend. ♥

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  8. Jo, As many of the responses suggest, never give up, never give up, never give up. I think inside of me there lives an artist although I have never drawn more than a few trees an some stick people. I see pictures in my mind but don't have a clue how to get them to canvas or even plain paper. So, if you're inspired to write then write, as they say, to the world you may be one person but, to one person you are the world and that's enough. If your stories touch only one life, it is enough. So many of us go through life without ever making a difference to anyone. Not you, give up on doubt, you perfect the way you are.
    The picture I would paint if I could, is a verse take from the Proverbs: "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pitchers of silver." If you words are that then you have done well. Blessings to you. Velda

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    1. You are such a great friend and I love how you see things. I think that artist should just get a sketch pad and start trying to get that image because it sounds absolutely lovely. You might even get some divine intervention once you begin.
      As for me writing, I never thought of NOT writing. I write because it keeps me sane.
      I am,however, often in doubt about my actual ability. I will always write, I imagine and I will always need to put my thoughts on 'paper' of some sort, but whether or not what I produce or give birth to is worth reading to anyone other than me, well, sometimes I think it is and other times it's just for me. Like this post. It's really just to clear my head. I think it did. You notice at the end, I am okay with knowing not everyone will like The Princess and that's okay. Still, I need to correct the errors in grammar before I let it out again and make sure the formatting is correct for publication, which I thought I had done, but apparently didn't. I'm okay with knowing not everyone will like any of my books, but I needed someone to like them and many people have, so it's all good. And I'm all good.
      I have so many good people in my life to keep me on the straight and narrow...like my precious friend Velda. She's one of my many blessings. ♥

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  9. Jo--
    I enjoy writing and sharing my writing with others. I seem to do a better job of it in my blogs--but when attempting to write my novel or my non-fiction work--I feel overly self conscious. I read and reread what I have written, I hit the select all button, then the delete button, and I start again. I think like you, I was writing for an audience and that was not my original intention. My original intention was to write the two books because something within my spirit said I needed to write them. I think I lost sight of myself. I need to read your books. I would be happy to give you feedback. I'll be honest with you and say I won't really have any time for reading until summer, simply because I work, homeschool and try to manage a house of 7. So come June I am marking my calendar to come buy your books and read them. I will give you my honest feedback.

    I loved that you opened up! Thanks for sharing. Jenn.

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    1. Oh Jenn, thank you so much. I understand exactly what you are telling me and I believe you are right. I'll look forward to hearing what you have to say and I know you will be honest and kind. :) ♥

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  10. If there's one thing I think all artists should remember, it is that the work we produce comes from our hearts and souls and because of that, it has enormous value. Whether our stories, poems, music, tapestries, sculptures, paintings, or other creations are widely loved or largely ignored ultimately makes no real difference. We love them and love creating them, so they are beautiful gifts, if only to ourselves.

    That being said, accolades and big fat checks are A-OK, too. ;O)

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    1. You got it! I came to that conclusion at the end, as you read. I needed to write it out and work it out. I knew it would sort itself out if I just wrote through it.
      Thank you for caring enough to get it!
      And yeah, the big fat checks would be nice. :)

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  11. Well, from what I've read from your blog posts I think you are a talented expressive writer. Without reading any of your books I can gather that they would be equally the same. Being an artist myself there is one thing I know...when a complete stranger compliments your work that is the greatest feeling in the world. Once this happens you can rest assure that there will be more people like them who will feel the same way.

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    1. Thanks and I imagine you would find a large difference in my blogs and my books. The blogs mostly are about my life in some way, the books are not. They are stories. It's different.
      I am good now and have a direction. Thank you for posting and understanding.

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  12. What an interesting "story within your story," Jo. I imagine if I attempted to write a book, it would be quite scary for someone to read it and give me their honest opinion, but like you said, it is very important - that constructive criticism. I think your answers for how you want to project your book lie in your heart. I think writing, whether fiction or no-fiction is embellished when it's written with conviction and passion.

    Great job, Jo and I would love to review your book for you! :0)

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    1. Asking for opinions on your art, no matter the kind of art, is risky and you have to be prepared for the result. That isn't my concern, I'm pretty thick skinned, but of course, I also have feelings and my writing, books or blogs, are a piece of me. So, while I actively seek comments of all types, I ultimately have to decide where my own heart takes me and then act on that using the input I have received. I am there now.
      I will look forward to your review after I resubmit the book or if you'd like to read Beautiful Betsy or Summer in Martintown, they are both available on Kindle and Nook. I'd love to read your review. ♥

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  13. I think you're right, if you live to write, keep doing it. I like the layers in the post, stories inside of stories. The hardest part about being a write is exposing our little pretties (our words and characters) to the outside world. The truth is some people will LOVE what we write and others will HATE it. I learned this in my early writing workshops.. painful. Then I realized I had a quirky voice and POV - more pain and thought I needed to change my writing style to 'be accepted'. Finally I read Stephen King's memoir on writing.. Now I write what I want and not for everybody and accept this will come with negative feedback. But I digress.. I've learned to trust myself (most of the time).. if beta readers comes back with the same comments about a piece then the writer may consider the feedback as valid. It's up the writer how to process the suggestions. Sometimes change is needed and sometimes it needs to be tweaked. As you said, just write it out. I do this ALL the time. Hang in there...

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    1. Yep! I have reached the "I know what needs to be done" stage, now I just have to get busy doing it. I am happy with the basic way I wrote the book, not all will be and that's okay, but the errors must be corrected and then resubmitted for publication. I'll get it done, soon.
      Thanks, as always for being honest and supportive and straight! ♥

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  14. I haven't read your book. Although after reading this blog I am intrigued to buy it. Sounds like a very interesting story!

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    1. Thank you so much. It will be available again, hoping not too long from now.

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  15. Oh wow... The great stories come from the heart and don't bar or hold back emotions. If she was real or not, a story evolved from this and it's now yours to share. There was a purpose for the experience and now you can share it with others. I wonder what people may learn from it? Maybe that a simple act of kindness, especially toward a young person, can make a huge difference in their life??

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    1. I will never really know how much I may or may not have changed her life, but I do know she changed mine. I know that experience of loving, really loving someone who is only typed words on the screen, is something I would have laughed at, until it happened to me. I know she had very few good adults in her life and I know I was good for her in that way. I gave her nothing but love and loving advice when asked. I will re-release her story soon.
      Thank you so much Diane. ♥

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  16. I know that I enjoyed reading your post and it held me throughout, whereas most blogs lose me pretty quickly! Writing is a difficult craft and no matter who you are or what you write, will not please everyone. That is difficult for anyone to accept but I an honestly say that I loved this story!

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    1. I have never worried that there would be those who didn't like my work. Hard to believe? It's true. I have never written for anyone's enjoyment, but my own. I was amazed when I started sharing my stuff and people were complimentary about it. I was surprised when people said, "Yes, write the book!" And when I did that, even more surprised that other's thought it was good. It doesn't matter if some don't like it, but it matters that it contains grammar errors and other problems. So I am re-writing it and making some small changes. It's just very difficult. ♥

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