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Sunday, June 17, 2012

Father's Day 2012



Though I have never been a father, I had one and I live with one and I divorced one, so I have some experience with what makes a good one and what makes a sperm donor just a sperm donor.

Having donated sperm, even if it's through direct deposit, does NOT make you a dad. It makes you the legal father and nothing more. If the laws were written truly with the child's best interest in mind, as they say they are, sperm donors would have zero rights. The reward for their donation was given at the time of the direct deposit. Nothing more is owed to them, in my opinion.

Now a dad is a whole different story. The man who holds the child to comfort or just to show love, the man who listens and advises, the man who teaches a child what a man is and how a man should behave, the man who didn't have to love yet chose to love is the dad. In some cases, this is the sperm donor, in some cases, not. It doesn't matter. In both cases, the dad is the man who loved the child unconditionally by choice.

My favorite childhood memory of my own dad is such a simple thing, one has to wonder why it stands out in my head. I was about 9 or 10 and got a giant chalk board for Christmas. My dad had written on it..."Merry Christmas to Joansy Lee Lee Settle". I don't know why that was such a big deal to me, but it was. I still recall the excitement of seeing those words written by Dad on my new chalk board. Silly? Probably, but it said my dad loved me. It said I was important enough to warrant his time and the sentiment was all for me. Only he ever called me that silly name and I loved it. I loved my daddy as most little girls do, but I was a Momma's Girl and still am. The outstanding things about my dad were not big deals; rather common everyday things. Long car trips would find us eating in diners along the road where trucks were parked, the best food would be found there, Dad said. The ever repeated, "If you have to use the bathroom, use it now, I'm not stopping in 5 miles!" meant nothing. If someone needed to stop in 5 miles, he would do so with a proper amount of grumbling and moaning about how he told us to use the bathroom and he wasn't happy now.  Every trip included backseat arguments because 3 kids in one bench seat for 7 hours to the grandparents house is going to include arguments. He would usually yell, "Shut up and enjoy this trip!"  That still makes me smile.  Somehow, shut up and have fun seems good advice, but maybe a different delivery would have been good!  Dad wasn't known for his finesse. 

Through most of my teenage years he was an absent dad. He drove truck and was gone most of the week. I have some memories of trips to town with him on week-ends to run errands. He didn't stop at the dime store, like Mom did, he just did what needed to be done and maybe got me a coke or candy bar, but no side trips. I liked going with him because he didn't treat me like a kid, exactly. It was more like I was his buddy for those few minutes that we were on the road. Hard to explain, but I liked it and I remember it. He sometimes let me drive home at age 14, but I couldn't tell Mom.

Unlike me, my kids were not raised most of their lives by their father. They were raised by their Dad. He chose to help me parent my children and I chose to help him parent his. We have no regrets about that. He is the man both my children refer to as their dad. He loves them the same as his own, they are his own now.  He walked my daughter down the aisle and he loves the grandchildren his step~children have given us exactly the same as he loves the grandchildren his genetically related boys have given us. I do, too. Our grandchildren are all our grandchildren.  It's a choice we made years ago with the birth of our first who turns 23 this fall.  (omg...23!)

I am eternally grateful to this man who shares my life and loves. Everyday he lives is a blessing to each of us in one way or the other. He has taken into his heart two children he didn't have to 'own'. He took on a very difficult job because he wanted to and he did the best job anyone could have done. In return, he has gained more love than he ever could give. He is respected and admired and honored for all he has given and all he is as a man, father and husband to their mother. He has earned this by being a good man with an unlimited capacity to love.

Happy Father's Day to him and our sons and to our father's who have gone before, our respect and love eternally.



Jo



14 comments:

  1. Nice tribute on Father's Day

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    1. Thank you, Guy. I appreciate your support and always knowing you will stop in and read. :) ♥

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  2. Great post! Loved reading it! I thought you were gonna say you were a daddy's girl, but I can see you still loved him dearly.

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    1. Thank you, Honey. I did love my dad for all the things he did just for me and because I always thought he respected me. He thought I was intelligent and he loved my hair. How silly is that? I remember his love of my hair. He was not always the best husband, but he was my daddy and I thought he was just perfect. ♥

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  3. This is a wonderful and heartfelt post. Yes, it seems like there is a difference between a Father and a Dad. I'm lucky to have been raised with a Father/Dad in my life and have a wonderful Father/Dad for my children.

    Your first child is not even 23? We have you beat there. Our oldest turned 24 last April. Of course, he's totally single as is his younger sisters. The son just broke up with the girlfriend. YAY! Even though I'd never met her, I didn't like her from everything I'd heard.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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    1. That is our first GRANDCHILD who will be 23 in September! Our oldest child is her father. You were lucky as was I, but my babies weren't so lucky. They were blessed with Roomy coming into our lives though and without him, I'm not sure how they would have learned about good relationships. Glad they had him and me, too. ♥

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  4. Correction. Our middle one has been dating the same guy for over three years. At age 22, I don't know if that classifies her as "totally" single. You'll be happy to know, I haven't tried to break her up. We even got him a Kindle for graduation. :)

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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    1. I am happy to hear that! LOL I think you can consider her in a relationship but still single. At 22, she might have an idea who she wants to be with. ♥

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  5. Nice, Jo! There's nothing quite like the love of a dad--different from moms, but just as important.

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    1. For me it was very different and I really wish he had been around a lot longer like any child, you for instance, who lost a parent too soon. He is missed so much and I know Mom would be a different person had he been allowed to stay a few more years, but it is what it is and she is doing really well. Thank you for being you and always having my back. ♥

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  6. All true Jo! I am happy that I was donor, father and dad to our 3 brats. I am proud to have been there every day of there childhood and would not have missed it for all the money in the world. Oh yea they were all direct deposit!!!!!! I once thought that was the best part of being a parent, but now I know better. Keep posting Jo. Doil

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    1. Oh Doil, you are so right! You were always a daddy and now a papa and I think you have earned a ton of love from everyone involved. Thank you for your support and your encouragement. It matters to me. Lots of love to you and your bride. ♥

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  7. Good job Jo. I enjoyed reading it and I could not agree more with what you say.

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    1. I love that, Bob. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. ♥

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