The Big "O"

Over the years I've talked with many women about sex at different stages of their lives. I'd not hesitate to say that since I first had sex, it has been discussed with those trustworthy enough to discuss such things. In my sixth decade I do not discuss it as much, but seem to read a great deal about it written by those women who either cannot imagine ever giving it up voluntarily, or those who feel they must engage to keep their man in their lives and even from those who are over it, done with it, don't do it, won't do it and feel zero guilt from such a decision.

I've learned that the most important part of intimate relations for women, overall, is not intercourse. It's hugging, hand holding, stroking non-sensual areas and kissing. It seems for men, intercourse is the only reason to do any of those things. The contrast is clear if you ask and if you listen and I have done that because I find it fascinating that something so natural and so basically easy to do can become a cement wall in some relationships. Neither side really wanting to talk about any differences in preference and neither side wanting to compromise in any way. Makes me wonder why that is.

More than one woman engaged in a long term monogamous relationship has said something like, "He doesn't make love to me, anymore, he mounts and dismounts." Some have said, "It isn't romance anymore, though I do love him and he loves me, it's ritual sex. I can tell you exactly where and how he will touch me every single time. It's boring and less than fulfilling for me." I've heard, "It's always great. He works on me all day when he wants to have sex and then he lingers exactly where he needs to linger because he knows if I like it, it'll happen more often. Unfortunately, I really don't like it much anymore, even though he gives it 100% every time. It isn't him, it's just that I'm over it. Over the whole sex thing." And the few women who have told me, "I love making love to him. I initiate it as often as he does and several times a week is fine with me!"

So I wonder, as I do about many things, what is the difference. I am talking about women mostly over 50 and many over 60 now who don't care one way or the other in most cases, if they ever have sex or not and it isn't a reflection on their relationship as most of them are really in love with their spouse. I have concluded that it has much more to do with the physical changes that women go through after the childbearing years are past. Like the baby factory really is closed and is no longer needed or even wanted. It's useable, but not the way it once was. It's desirable, apparently, but often unresponsive as it once was. And all the research and all the aids are based on a man getting and maintaining an erection. Why is that? It would seem to be their wives would be happy to hug, kiss, stroke and hold hands with no expectation of more, yet we have a little blue pill and nothing to really boost a woman's desire or ability to enjoy.

Now the big "O" has always fascinated me. Research (do your own, I'm not spending time looking this stuff up again) has shown that women can reach it alone just as easily or more so without a male to stimulate or facilitate. Many women have never experienced one with a man. Sorry for those women. Sorry for any woman who never experienced this, but it is not as uncommon as we might wish. Not having a partner means the only focus is on your own needs, so it does makes sense that if you are the one feeling it and doing it, maybe you do have a better idea of how to get it!  Just sayin'...

In the overall scheme of life, I would say having the big "O" frequently would never be in my top ten, but never having had one would be!

The best part of an active sexual relationship in the golden, senior or midlife years seems to be the closeness couples who share intimacy are able to maintain in the rest of their relationship. Being that vulnerable with only one person in the world makes that person privy to things even your best same sex friend isn't. That carries on into many other aspects of a relationship.

And then there is my famous line a few years back when my adorable husband said, "I work full time, I do half or more of the laundry, I do all the outside work and I help with housework. What is it that you do?"
My response, "I am the reason you don't have sex alone."
There was no more discussion of my duties.

Jo

Three Week Combo GBE2

Since I've been away from my blog site for a few weeks now, I hardly know where to begin to get back in the swing. I have decided to just wrap up my month in what I hope will be a somewhat entertaining (if not the promised brilliant) post. I have laughed a lot this past few weeks. I have stressed a little and I have cried a few tears. All in all, a typical month in the life of me.

February started out pretty bleak, weather wise, and as most of you know, that does most assuredly slow me down and create a less than productive period. However, the sun decided to pay us a visit at various points and as could be predicted, I responded with bursts of energy and managed to accomplish some important tasks!

We are beginning a long reno job in the basement or lower level of our home. Currently the entire area is 4 rooms. There is the tanning room, the bedroom, the furnace/play room and the kitchen/family room. In a few months we will have a bathroom, laundry room, bedroom, furnace room, utility room, tanning room and the very open kitchen and family room.  All of this area will have ceilings, which currently are non-existent.

In preparation for this giant undertaking, I first called my guy, Ron. He is our handyman, contractor and friend. He walked through it with me and made a few suggestions (most of which I took) and  made a guesstimate and then proceeded to create the materials list and give me orders. Like, what I needed to shop for and what I could just pick out and he would pick up later. From there, Roomy began the destruction of the current tanning room which will become the beautiful new bath. I began the emptying of cabinets that will be eliminated or moved. Then together we attacked the garage to make room for the cabinet and counter top that will be moved out there and cleared enough room for the materials to be stored once they are delivered. My van will be sentenced to the outside until completion of phase one, the bathroom.

Those jobs were finished on the sunny days and talked about on the dismal days.  That's life with me. Poor Roomy.

Next undertaking, getting Momma's carpet repaired from the burning of the fibers by me trying to clean one small spot of wax that I missed when she accidentally spilled half a jar candle from the table. My first cleaning with the paper towels and iron went very well. She saw a spot I didn't quite get and it all went down hill from there. I left the iron too long or didn't wait long enough between swipes, not sure, but I burned a 4 to 6 inch spot and it was awful. So it had to be cut out and repaired from a piece out of a closet. Our magic carpet man did a wonderful job and it looked soooo good that we now decided the room had to have the rest of the carpet cleaned. Since the entire apartment is carpeted except the little kitchen and big bathroom,  actually the whole apartment would be cleaned.  It was long overdue anyway.

That required Roomy and I moving her furniture out of the living room so they would clean the entire room and leaving the other rooms to be cleaned only in the open areas.  We all decided that would work out just fine. I did not know I would have to get up in the middle of my night to do this, at that time.

So 9 am we moved all the remaining furniture, she had moved all the little stuff before we arrived. She IS a morning person. Then breakfast uptown and back to our house to hang out until the hair appointment and then back to my house for dinner, which I had not started to plan, let alone cook.

Long day for her, but everything got done and it looks great now!  *smiling here*  Never a good thing to be on your Momma's "what the hell have you done to my house" list.

Our only grandson turned 4 this week and he requested a gun that shoots something!  I am not a big gun person, but as the mother of sons, I am aware guns that shoot something are cool and so off to the store to test all the guns for 4 year old ability to load, cock and shoot without assistance. Nerf had a great automatic foam dart shooter with 20 darts! SOLD!  (He loved it and I am very happy about that.)  Another get up in the middle of my night brunch birthday party for him. GREAT food and wonderful people whom I adore. Worth getting out at 9:30 am to attend.

Finally, we received news of a very dear friend who is nearing the end of her time with us at the hands of that demon cancer. She has 3 daughters, a loving husband and a boatload of loving friends. She has lead a good life and had many trials along the way. She has mothered her girls with nothing but unconditional love and support a good dose of discipline. Her grand children have been given the same. Having beaten cancer twice, this last onslaught was very aggressive  and had taken over her body before she could fight back. It is winning. We went to see her and her family as soon as we heard and though I am grateful for the chance to say goodbye, I am saddened so deeply at this pending loss. She will forever be near my heart. Praying God will give us all the strength to allow her to go home in peace and with her heart so filled with love that even He will be surprised. I shall miss knowing she is among us and will rejoice in knowing her spirit will never leave my heart.

As per a very resent request, this masterpiece of a blog will include Anita Crawford. She has requested to be part of my masterpiece (the one I sat here to create) and she will and is now, in fact, part of my creation. If you don't know who this fun loving woman is, perhaps you might like to visit her and friend her because she has some lovely photos and shares her walks in the wilderness with us on a regular basis.  She is a fun friend!

So with all the GUSTO of a disorderly CROWD of cheerleaders, I submit this make-up blog as my current masterpiece for GBE 2, covering three prompts in no possible way except to use the prompts here in this closing paragraph.  One must draw creativity from DREAMS or wherever one can find it and I found it, well, lacking as I wrote. Therefore, it has reared his cute little head here in the closing. Peace, love and laughter to each of you as you walk your own paths.

Jo

The STUDIO

About one hundred feet behind the house sits a building. Unassuming in nature and not in the best of condition, it serves a purpose divinely. You see, as I love my home and even the gardens surrounding it, the water beyond the shed is where my muse lives. She is lovely; she softly sings as I tappity tap the keys and she never fails to bring ideas or words to spur me onward. She is my breath on paper. Without her voice, without her presence, I cannot write or edit or even think clearly. The ‘shack’ has become my beloved studio. Windows can be opened for fresh air and sunlight. Windows can be sealed shut to guard against dreary and dismal weather and inside the natural lights and the bright lemony walls with dark brown floors and flower paintings lining the wall all work together to bring spring to my heart throughout the most dreary of times. That sky you see surrounding my beloved studio is far, far from my heart as I sit and tap out my thoughts. The flowers are blooming and the sun is shining all over these walls hugging me as my muse sings off in the distance and my mind becomes liquid. Thoughts, ideas and warmth fill me and then spill from my fingertips into your head and your heart and we share. Writing is all about sharing for me. Emptying my head and sharing my heart.

As bleak and miserable as winter months are for me, I am reminded sitting in the ‘studio of perpetual spring’, that all I have around me is love. I cannot ignore the people who care about me and the warmth they exude in their words and deeds. I know that I have been blessed beyond measure with family and friends who would always be there for me, if a need arose. I know that God takes care of me daily and that nothing is impossible with Him in my life. I can see our comfortable, but humble home. I know there will be food to prepare for each meal and I know that we have enough money to live meager but nice days from now until the end, if the end comes soon.  I am keenly aware of all of this and yet…

My shoulders ache. My head has a dull and annoying pain which aspirin, Aleve nor Advil will relieve. I feel heavy. Not heavy as in overweight. Not heavy as in burdened with care. Heavy and sluggish and unconcerned about almost everything around me. I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t really want to talk to people because I have nothing good to say. I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want, period. I am not angry. I am not sad. I am not sick. There is nothing wrong with me except that I have no motivation to participate in life right now. I am actually feeling nothing.  

Each day of these ‘periods’, I get up and have coffee.  I read my emails and check in on Facebook. I play a game or two with friends on my phone. I have another cup of coffee. I shower, make my bed and then sit my butt down to watch whatever is on TV.  In the afternoon I will do whatever housework must be done and nothing more. I will prepare dinner and it might be good or it might be a little something to eat. I will do these things because I don’t live alone. If I did, I would probably not be doing any of those things. I read, I knit and I watch TV. All are sedentary activities and do not stretch either a muscle or a brain cell. That is what I can handle most days from January until well into March.  If the sun shines for a couple of days, I will be energized and I will get things done. I will start a project or finish one which I have neglected because I lost motivation. I truly am solar powered and as long as the sun makes occasional appearances for multiple days, I will get through another Michigan winter.  I will laugh and I will communicate on the good days and I will always be counting the days til spring.  Always.

Forgive me, I will return and I sincerely hope some of you are still hanging around when I do.  The little studio and the lake are not part of my life right now, just a part of my imagination and on days like today, the thought of them and of course, my muse, make me feel just a bit more human.

Jo

15 Minute Mind Purge

The assignment is to sit and write without editing or really thinking for 15 minutes. Anything that comes to mind goes on the page. Time is ticking and at this point, nothing is forming for me but telling you why there is no substance here.  Just words.

Words. Some of them are so powerful and some are so weak. When you say you like something, it's a bit on the order of agreeing that whatever the thing is, can exist in your world without bothering you, but you wouldn't notice if it was gone. It's a weak word. Loving an item or an idea, however, is strong. It would change your life to lose that thing or not follow the idea. When like things, they may exist; when we love things, they must exist.

Words can be so healing and so calming. Telling someone in pain that you are hurting with them or for them, telling someone who is sad how much you care about them or how important they are to you can completely change their day. Knowing we are not alone in this world is usually accomplished by hearing or saying the words that affirm our importance to another human. A hug is nice, too.

Knowing the value of words in my life does not keep me from coming to points in my life where there are no words. None that mean enough. None I haven't already said. None that quite fill the bill for what is happening around me or to me. Days come when I cannot write because nothing new comes to my  head and the old thoughts feel tired and used to me. The books I so want finished are waiting, waiting to tell me where to go from here. I am the slave of the keyboard, but the story must reveal itself to me and creatively speaking, I'm barren right now.

How unusual is this?  I, who always have something to say, truly has nothing to say. It happens at least once a winter.  Maybe it's good to get it over with early this year. Maybe it'll be gone shortly and I can move on.

Time's up...


Jo

Oh NO, Not Again

In 1998 I closed my salon and started a booth rental position in a nice downtown Durand salon called Teaser's. We sold our house and moved into the one we currently own on January 6, 1999. That was about 5 weeks after we closed the salon. Roomy started talking about retirement. He was approaching the point at which he could retire from then General Telephone with full benefits and insurance for life for both of us. It was a time of change and we were very happy.

In 2003, he retired from General Telephone and took his pension in a lump sum. We invested the money and set up an automatic payment from one account to pay our mortgage. We could have paid for our home, but the financial adviser convinced us that the low interest of a home mortgage was in fact, a good investment. Over time, we would actually gain more than we paid in interest and therefore, while paying down our mortgage, we would be building equity in our investment account. It all made sense to us and we agreed.

Two days later Roomy started working full time for a contracting company doing the same work he had done at General Telephone for about half the money. He was nowhere near ready to retire and this job would carry less stress and no union. He would be a supervisor with a crew of 1 or 2 or 3, depending on what he needed for any given job. 

So the first retirement lasted 2 days.

A few months into the new job his old boss called him and asked if he would like to return to work at the company now Verizon owned. He explained he could return at his seniority and have all the benefits he had as a full time 20 plus year employee. It seemed a no brainer to Roomy because he had already collected his pension and felt he had nothing to lose. The new company would possibly be better and if not, he could just leave again. So he took the job. Giving notice to his new employer, they told him he was welcomed back anytime and they wished him luck with Verizon.

Five weeks later he retired again. Yes, retired for the second time because they had given him his seniority back, they also paid him a full second retirement for this five weeks of hard labor.
Off to the investment office we went, quickly, before they changed their minds. The adviser was familiar with this happenstance and assured us that the money was paid willingly and correctly by the union contract. We kept a chunk of this one and bought a new 2004 van and paid cash and also took our family (all of it) to Key West as a Christmas gift that year. The rest of the money we invested in an annuity for life. We will get that money monthly, as long as either of us is alive.  

Back to the contractor for round two after two retirements.

9/11 happened. Our investments shrunk by $70,000 and the account we were using to pay the house payment was too little to cover the debt. I went back to work after a 6 year retirement to get the house paid off. I couldn't stand that he was working while I wasn't and the debt was looming. I worked 4 years and then retired for REAL. The loan was under control and would be paid in 2 years or less and immediately if he wanted to retire.  

Now 8 years into the second round at the contractor, he told me come December he was finally ready to retire for REAL.  LOL

He turned 74 in September and I thought it was time for him to hang up the work boots and hang out for a while. 

December came and went and Roomy is now laid off. Not retired. He changed his mind. One more year, he says. He has said this for 3 years.  I am happy he has this break and hope it lasts until spring. He is enjoying the time off, but says he really isn't ready to retire, yet. I don't get it, but it's his choice. 

So next year when December comes, I'll expect another change of heart and won't find myself saying what I've said for the last 3 years, "NO, not again!"  Then if he does actually retire, I'll quietly say, "Yes, AGAIN!"  And not help him send out resumes no matter how hard he begs.

Gotta love a hardworking man, don't ya?  

Jo  

WISH

For those of you who read me regularly (both of you) know that I am not one for wishing. I am one who normally accepts what is and just makes it work. I do that because it is stress free and also allows me to live with what I have and who I am, without regret. A nice and relatively happy way to live. 

For the purpose of this writing prompt, however, I shall set about creating a wish list.

1) I wish war was abolished world wide. 

2) I wish love was the norm. Hate and envy and anger were all non-existent.

3) I wish hunger was just a word.

4) I wish every child born was wanted, loved and raised with intelligence and nurturing.

5) I wish every dog and cat was born into a forever home or had one waiting.

6) I wish when death came, it always came quietly during sleep.

7) I wish random acts of kindness were human nature.

8) I wish guns were used only to defend against attacking animals, if there were any.

9) I wish humans had never tasted meat. ( Especially me, cuz I love it.)

10) I wish cancer was just an astrological sign.

I am sure I could go on and on and on, but for now, for this post, I am done wishing.

Now back to reality and my not so bad life.  

Oh, I have a lot of reading to do so number eleven might have been I wish I had taken a speed reading class!  But I stopped at ten.

Jo

DECISIONS

Raising a family means teaching your kids how to make good decisions and also how to live with the results if they make poor ones. I remember many times biting my lip when my teenagers made decisions which were clearly not well thought out, but they needed to see and live with the consequences. They needed to learn and they also thought I knew nothing; so they needed to learn that might not be accurate as well. I don't know much, but I do know more about life than most teenagers so I felt fairly superior most of the time. 

As a grandparent, I am equally concerned with watching my grandchildren learn to make good choices. I am often impressed with their ability at pre-teen ages to think through what consequences might occur. Does that go away when they turn 13? I can't really remember my kids being quite as good at this process as the babies are. I sometimes see one of them actually thinking! Maybe even talking it over with me and (are you ready for this?) listening to my response!  Yes, my kids didn't do that. They would sit with glazed eyes while I gave my thoughts, but never listened.  I love that they are actually learning decision making at younger ages and their parents are allowing the lessons of poor decision making to be played out.  It's tough, but it's so necessary. 

Now our house is a whole different story!

In this house the decisions are made by lengthy discussions where both sides freely speak their views and then a period of thinking and evaluating follows. In a day or a few hours or a week, depending on how big the decision is and how far apart the two views are, more discussion which ends with, "Whatever you want to do. I don't care." Those words will be spoken by Roomy and what they actually mean is, "I plan to either blame you for this not working out or share the credit if it works."  I can live with that.

I am a thinker througher. I must think money costing decisions through until I am either convinced that we will enjoy some benefit from the spending or the house will increase in value for the expenditure, when it's time to sell or preferably both!  Once I am at that place, the decision is made to go ahead or chuck that idea.  I may act on the go ahead immediately or begin to save for it, depending again on how large this investment might be.

Now, the decisions made by Roomy, with little input from moi, would involve his truck, his lawn stuff and his lawn. Those things, not my area. Whatever he needs or wants is good with me and I'll budget it somehow or another. He asks for very little and when he does, I know it has come after a long time of contemplating. He's a thinker througher, also.

It would be fun for you to know some of my not so good decisions to date, but not so fun for me to recall, so I'll skip that.

His not so good decisions have been very few and I can't even think of one right now.  The reason for that is obvious, I am the idea person!  Roomy thinks everything is fine just as it is. Nothing ever needs to be updated or maintained, just repaired if it absolutely will not work.  If you can jiggle it and make it work, it's all good. Therefore, since he seldom makes a decision, he seldom makes bad ones!

Wanna share you bad decisions?  Feel free to do so below in the comments!

Jo